How to not be able to live on £150k, by Boris Johnson

DO YOU think you could live comfortably on the prime minister’s £150,000 salary? Think again. Boris Johnson explains how hard it is: 

Go through divorce

The breakdown of a marriage is as expensive as it is painful, especially if your estranged partner is a barrister who knows exactly how to bend you over a barrel financially, has copious dirt and knows all the journalists who hate you.

Cost: £42,000

Hire a really expensive nanny

Like Linda Evangelista, nannies don’t get out of bed for less than ten grand a day. That’s why they cruise around in sports cars and wear Tiffany & Co jewellery all the time. Well, that’s not the starting salary, but when you’re paying off a nanny a month after your indiscretions get picked up on the baby monitor, it adds up.

Cost: £29,000

Have lots of kids

Speaking of kids, these things are money sponges. Have an indeterminate number of sprogs and they’re always after school shoes, school fees, all that shut. If only there was someone with the power to ease the financial strain on parents. That would be so useful to me.

Cost: £52,000

Be detached from reality

A life of privilege and inherited wealth really underlines how much of a pittance £150k really is. I’m surprised part-time shelf-stackers can survive on half that. It would be truly criminal if anyone in our world-beating society was earning even a third of this measly sum.

Cost: £23,000

Lack planning skills

When faced with a challenge, whether that’s balancing the books or preventing a pandemic, I tend to laugh it off or launch unrealistic operations with stupid names. Try these strategies in your personal life and things will quickly fall apart, even if you’ve been raking it in from the Telegraph for years.

Cost: £60,000

Total: I don’t add up. Haven’t since prep school. Send it to Rishi and tell him to come up with a figure I like the look of.

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Joe Wicks now a big, fat bastard

JOE Wicks has put on eight stone since ending his daily lockdown exercise sessions and is in no way ready to start them up again. 

The former shredded Adonis was so relieved not to have the health of a whole nation on his shoulders that he hit the crisps hard and has barely moved in months, he admitted.

He said: “I wasn’t expecting a second lockdown. I’ve not had the news on. I’m just slumped here in front of Bargain Hunt repeats.

“It takes it out of you, you know? Being the PE teacher for an entire country, everyone relying on you, having to stay strong for their sake. So I went on a carb binge.

“I can’t do 20 burpees in one minute anymore. I can drain a two-litre bottle of full-fat Coke without pausing for breath, but I recognise that’s not an example people need to follow.

“Honestly my tits are bigger than Rosie’s. How long have we got until full lockdown? I’ll be back in shape. Give me a fortnight to be able to climb the stairs without getting dizzy.”

Homeworker Eleanor Shaw said: “To be fair I mainly watched him while having my morning pizza.”