Six ways to piss off your partner without even realising

IRRITATING your partner does not need to be an elaborate affair. Annoy them with minimal effort by doing these things.

Leave the toilet seat up

Returning the toilet seat to its horizontal position only takes a second, but there’s no point when you might need to piss again in a few hours. While you can’t see anything wrong with this bulletproof logic, an upright toilet seat will lead to a tirade from your partner about hygiene risks and basic courtesies. She’s right of course but you’re too old to change.

Talk over the telly

Match of the Day has just started, so obviously now is the perfect time to talk to your partner about important things like your friend Sarah’s latest row with her boyfriend or an interesting cloud you saw. It’s not as if he needs to concentrate on crucial dialogue, like when he inconsiderately mentioned he’d been made redundant while you were trying to watch Bridgerton.

Tell them about your day

Your partner will not care that Matt from marketing used your favourite mug or that the new trainee is f**king useless. Instead they’ll listen to your rambling anecdotes in dead-eyed silence while secretly wondering how their life ended up like this. Your decision to never ask how their day has been should make them mad, but they’re used to it by now.

Forget to empty the dishwasher

Dishwashers are magical appliances that take all the back-breaking labour out of doing the washing up. And if you leave the door open long enough once it’s finished, all the plates will eventually tidy themselves away. Quite why your partner finds this miraculous phenomenon annoying is a constant source of confusion to you. Maybe you should tell them how it works?

Never change the loo roll

Leaving one last forlorn scrap of toilet paper on the roll is a sign of utmost respect and consideration. You wouldn’t want your other half to be left with nothing, plus you’re saving on waste. On the rare occasion you’re forced to change the loo roll, add a charming personal touch by putting it on the wrong way round. Your partner will appreciate this.

Leave crap in their car

Discarding empty crisp packets and half-finished bottles of Coke in your runaround is so habitual you barely think about it. Yet when you do this in your partner’s car they take your littering as a personal affront. It’s probably because they love their Audi more than you, so don’t feel bad about accidentally keying it next time you walk past.

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Man's only transferable skill being transferable

A WORKER has listed ‘being transferable’ on his CV because getting hired then promptly fired is his only practical skill.

Serial job hopper Stephen Malley regularly impresses employers with his ability to move from one entry-level job to the next, even though his transferability is not endorsed by professional qualifications or testimonials from ex-bosses.

Malley said: “Being transferable sounds like an incredible skill, but once you’ve got a diverse portfolio of short-lived positions all you have to worry about is writing a cover letter and nailing the interview.

“When I started out I made the mistake of being semi-competent at work. This set my career back years as I would wallow away at my desk for months on end, dreaming of the next time I’d be forced to look for jobs on LinkedIn.

“Things improved when I decided to be f**king useless. I was joining and leaving payrolls half a dozen times a month and getting transferred internally by larger companies. I’m relieved I didn’t waste my time learning a trade that would secure me a stable income.

“You’d think my transferability skills would make me an ideal candidate for a career in recruitment, but it’s the fear of settling down that keeps me motivated.”