Smiling, and other ways wankers will convince themselves you fancy them

DICKHEADS think everyone wants to sleep with them. Think twice before acknowledging their existence with these highly flirtatious actions:

Asking them questions

It’s universally acknowledged that any question, even one as simple as ‘y’alright?’, means you’re desperate to know the inner workings of a person’s beautiful soul. And you had better believe they will gift you with a long – some might say unasked-for – answer.

Compliments

‘Good work today, Steve’ isn’t professional. ‘Thanks for that, Gary’ isn’t polite. They’re blatant declarations that you’re enamoured with someone and want to settle down with them someday. What other reasons could you possibly have for saying these things?

Smiling

Surely you can’t be smiling just because you’re happy? No, twats will convince themselves that it’s their mere presence which has turned your frown upside down. Too bad they never think they’re the reason you’re rolling your eyes and furiously flipping them off.

Eye contact

People are more adept than you might think at picking up on body language. Arseholes, however, are pros at reading all the signs wrongly. Look at them in the eyes while talking to them, or even just briefly catch their gaze on the tube, and they’ll be convinced you want to get into their pants.

Ignoring them completely

It’s naive to think that avoiding all of these behaviours will take gobshites down a peg or two. As all smarmy f**kers know, ignoring someone entirely is the most obvious way to communicate that you hear wedding bells whenever you see them.

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Six fears you try to suppress when dating

DATING a new person is terrifying, especially if you’re an anxious sweaty mess who’s trying to hide these valid fears:

Screwing it up

It’s natural to be on tenterhooks when meeting someone who could be your life-partner. And it’s human to feel sick with nerves. Just don’t be too human, especially on her shoes, or in her bag.

Not looking like a wimp

The last thing you want if your date’s confronted by a spider is for her to be distracted by your histrionics. Try to suppress your fear by gallantly carrying your date to safety with a fireman’s lift before she has to revive you with smelling salts.

Coming across as overconfident

Confidence is sexy, but overconfidence is a huge turn off. It’s important to be your true self, not your bathroom mirror self, so stop pouting and take off those sunglasses. You’re in a dimly lit bar and everyone thinks you look like a wanker.

Not being interesting enough

Your date probably won’t be expecting you to have recently built a school by hand in Tanzania. Don’t be afraid to be a regular guy who’s happy climbing the ladder of mutual insurance rather than Everest. On second thoughts, a little elaboration might help.

Over-analysing conversation

If you have a tendency to find a deep and hidden meaning behind every utterance, you could find conversation stopping altogether. Try and limit yourself to only analysing a few key words. Easy ones to start with include: no, sick, leaving, and blocked.

Attempting a kiss

If you’ve suppressed your fears enough to get to the stage where a kiss is appropriate, don’t balls it up by worrying about having the perfect moment. So what if you miss their face or accidentally headbutt them? You can always blame your poor performance on being out of practice due to lockdown. Think of this excuse as Covid’s silver lining.