Snapping fingers, and four other things bellends do in restaurants

RESTAURANTS can turn normal people into raging bellends. If you’re guilty of these, expect to find a nasty surprise in your meal:

Ordering for everyone

There’s a certain type of douchebag who will use a group dinner as an opportunity to needlessly assert their dominance. When it’s time to order, this prick will speak on everyone’s behalf because they ‘know what’s good here’, regardless of people’s tastes, diets, or potential allergies. A special circle in hell should be reserved for these twats.

Snapping fingers

The greatest hallmark of an entitled prick. Snapping your fingers at the waiting staff is a sure-fire way to make everyone else in the restaurant hate you. If you accompany it with a sharp ‘Garçon’ then know that you have almost certainly consumed several gallons of waiters’ piss and spit over the course of your life.

Extravagant bill mime

Waiters know when you are trying to get their attention for the bill. It will be obvious; you will have completely, or nearly, finished your meal. A small ‘holding a pen’ mime is just about acceptable, however if you’re flailing about like Marcel Marceau brandishing a two foot long quill, you’ll look like the idiot you are.

Sniffing wine

People who make a show of ‘testing’ the wine are among the world’s most obnoxious bellends. Elaborately swirling it around the glass then sticking your nose in and huffing deeply will make everyone around you roll their eyes. If you do that weird gargle thing while tasting it, be prepared to be thrown out the back near the bins.

‘Compliments to the chef’

Being a chef is a notoriously difficult and demanding profession. If a chef is running a halfway decent restaurant, they know they’re good at their job. What they don’t need is you, a self-important marketing consultant, showing off to your date by insisting the waiter rushes into the kitchen to deliver unsolicited feedback.

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Five things your teenager is pissed off about right now

GOT a teenager? Any idea what they’re so massively f**ked off about? Here are five likely causes:

Something you said

You taught your adolescent how to speak but now it seems you’re only capable of spouting complete shite. What do you mean you ‘think she’ll regret a nose piercing’? Do you not trust her to make her own decisions? Someone call Oswald Mosley, there’s a new fascist in town.

Something you did

Could you be breathing/chewing/walking/existing any louder? F**king hell, it’s like you only exist to embarrass your teenager by any means necessary. Even the way you drive your car is cringe. Just drop them off round the corner – please.

This crap house

Don’t you think you should have been more financially secure before you committed to having kids? Like, millionaire-level secure? The lack of marbled floors or priceless Ming vases is so vexing right now.


You never warned them that becoming an adult was so f**king boring – or maybe you did, but they just weren’t listening and now they despise you anyway. How is it fair that your daughter has to unload the dishwasher? It’s not. It’s child cruelty.

Climate change

If you insist on giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe your teenager is a regular Greta Thunberg who’s worried about how global warming will affect their generation for decades to come. But let’s face it, they might just want something earnest to complain about.