Spark restored to relationship with cocaine

A COUPLE have brought the thrill back to their relationship, both in and out of the bedroom, with the judicious purchase of a gram of cocaine.

Ryan Whittaker and Hannah Tomlinson admitted they had fallen into a weekend wine-and-movies rut before enlivening their evenings with nothing more than a class A substance.

Hannah said: “We got it for a friend’s party. That got cancelled so we thought we’d save it for a special occasion, but last Friday I turned to Ryan and said ‘How about now?’

“And honestly, the effect was amazing. We suddenly had so much more to say to each other and it was all so fascinating. Ryan was breathlessly unfolding this story about work and I was agog.

“Instead of yawning off to bed at half-eleven we’re still up chatting at 2am, just loving each other’s company like when we first got together. That energy’s back and it’s incredible.

“And when we go to bed it isn’t to sleep. We’re all over each other and going at it hard, not half-heartedly. There’s so much more excitement and passion and the orgasms are next-level. Who knew that such a little thing could make such a huge difference?”

Whittaker agreed: “I think this could be the secret to long-term relationship happiness. I can’t see any way it could go wrong.”

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Ingrown toenails, and other humorous illness that are actually truly horrible

SOME illnesses have a funny reputation despite being truly nightmarish. Getting any of these will wipe the smile from your face.

Ingrown toenails

It’s not until you’re in agony that you realise you actually use your feet quite a lot, like to walk to the GP and get this embarrassing problem diagnosed. You can’t turn to your friends for sympathy either. They’ll laugh at you because you’ve got a pus-filled big toe and can’t wear flip flops. Consider getting better friends when you’re well again.


Haemorrhoids are a classic punchline, but they transform any toilet cubicle into your own personal torture chamber. They’re itchy, painful and embarrassing, and yet you know no one’s setting up a charity and doing a sponsored swim on your behalf. You would break this cycle but you’re too self-conscious. It’s easier to suffer in silence.


When you bring up gout people immediately imagine a fat medieval king who sits on his arse eating turkey legs all day. Never mind trying to explain to them that it’s actually something that runs in the family and is horribly, horribly painful. And you don’t even have a throne, which adds insult to injury.


Eczema sounds like the kind of illness a toddler might have, hence why most people can’t take it seriously. No matter your age though, flare-ups mean cracked, bleeding skin and the need to buy endless, useless creams and ointments to try and fix it. Not really laugh-a-minute stuff.


Finding out a friend has an STI is hilarious, especially if it’s your friend Martin who really had it coming. But then one day you wake up and go for a wee which feels like Satan is squeezing your urethra. Feel bad for Martin, now? Maybe sleeping with him wasn’t the best idea you’ve ever had.