Squeezing out the last of the toothpaste: six reasons why it's worth having a boyfriend

EVER look at the useless slab of meat you’re chained to and wonder what is the point of him? Here are the few times he’ll come in handy:

Reaching high shelves

On average, men tend to be a bit taller than women which comes with several benefits, such as being able to reach the highest shelves in the house without the aid of a chair. Ready access to that new box of Cheerios almost makes up for having to share your life with a man who collects superhero dioramas.

Squeezing out the last of the toothpaste

Just when you thought your toothpaste was all gone, along comes your boyfriend with his vast, oafish hands. After several minutes spent grunting over the tube he eventually squeezes out a tiny dollop. Over the course of a miserable lifetime together, this could add up to one whole tube of toothpaste.

Amateur pest control

One of the few advantages of reductive gender stereotypes is that, whenever there are spiders around, it’s your boyfriend’s duty to deal with them. Of course you aren’t actually bothered by them while he’s a terrible arachnophobe. But seeing him shrieking and running way from a creature the size of a penny is far more entertaining than anything on Netflix.

Chauffeur on hand

Thanks to an abiding love of Top Gear, your boyfriend regards driving his shitty Toyota Yaris as a bonafide hobby. You don’t like his disturbing devotion to Jeremy Clarkson but you love the fact that he’s happy to come and pick you up at 3am after a night out with your mates. You know he also hopes his taxi service will lead to a drunk shag in return for his kindness, but those eight shots of tequila have other ideas.

Jar opening service

The male psyche perceives tightly sealed jars as a profound challenge to their sense masculinity. Instead of running the jar under a hot tap, your partner will engage in a Herculean struggle with it that looks likely to give him a hernia. But at least you’ve got your pickles.

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Mum's New Year's resolution to never let children stay up until midnight again

A MUM has confirmed that she will never allow her children to stay up for the New Year’s Eve countdown ever again.

Emma Bradford thought her kids, aged six and eight, were old enough to hear the bells ring at midnight, but quickly realised what a grave error she had made.

Bradford said: “At 7pm it seemed like a lovely idea, especially as their dad had won the toss to see who gets to go out with their mates and actually have a nice time.

“But I soon realised I’d made a f**k up. I had to remain mostly sober to keep a responsible eye on them, while they got increasingly high on sugar and tiredness.

“By 9pm I gave up trying to engage them in the special ritual of seeing in the New Year and let them put the telly on, which meant suffering through three hours of Paw Patrol.

“And when we finally reached midnight it was a massive anticlimax and they said ‘What’s the big deal?’ before breaking down in exhausted, disappointed sobs.

“And they’re right, New Year’s Eve is bollocks. But that doesn’t mean that next year I won’t be absolutely shitfaced at All Bar One. For the sole reason that it will be my turn.”