'Supply chain issues,' explains man who didn't get girlfriend any birthday presents

A MAN who forgot his girlfriend’s birthday has blamed the crisis affecting the global supply chain for her lack of presents. 

Stephen Malley explained that the shipping containers with her hair straighteners, new shoes and whatever else she wanted had been delayed en route from China due to unavoidable supply chain breakdown.

He continued: “Also there was that thing with the ship blocking the Suez. That’s what happened to your espresso machine.

“It’s bad out there, love. Lorry drivers are pissing in bottles. Brexit’s torn all our illusions about the just-in-time economy apart. There were literally no cards in Clinton’s.

“Spiralling fuel prices, a shortage of containers, the pandemic, climate change, it’s the perfect storm. So it’s hard to say when you’ll get those presents I definitely bought and paid for.

“My new headphones that arrived yesterday from Amazon Prime? Well not everything’s run out. It’s just shortages in some selective areas.”

Girlfriend Jo Kramer said: “To be fair his Christmas present last year was a PlayStation 5. It’s not my fault they’re never available.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The tragic lengths you'll go to for hot people

ATTRACTIVE people reduce you to a simpering, servile mess. Here are the pathetic things you’ll do to impress them: 

Buy them dinner

Even if you’re not on a date with her, you’ll cover the cost of whatever the hot girl at your table has ordered. She’s so used to being bankrolled she doesn’t even do the performance of offering to split the bill. Meanwhile the unattractive pay their way with weary resignation. They know their place.

Try to improve yourself

Meaning sacrificing anything that’s part of your personality which the hot dude doesn’t like. You’ll find yourself doing traumatic activities like water-skiing or wine tasting if that’s what he’s into. Your wardrobe will change, your haircut will change, your outlook on life will change, and he’ll still go out with a former runway model.

Laugh at their jokes

The hot have never had to develop senses of humour to win acclaim, so all their jokes have no punchline and fall flat. They’ll signal that they’ve just told a joke by laughing at the end of a sentence, and you’ll follow suit in a pathetic attempt to one day see them naked. Everyone does it. It never works.

Do them a huge, inconvenient favour

You’ve booked the day off work to help the hot girl move a sofa into her new flat, breezily claiming ‘it’s no problem’ and ‘I’m free that day’. You hire a van, lug it up three flights of stairs, all because she won the genetic lottery, and your rewards is an hour of chat about this guy she fancies in a sushi bar.

Enter a long-term relationship

You don’t even really like this gorgeous guy, he’s got an awful personality and you have no interests in common. But for some inexplicable reason he likes you, so you’ve got no option but to marry, have kids and spend the rest of your life with him. It’ll be a miserable soul-destroying relationship, but who are you to deny the hot man?