The awkward loser's guide to hitting on women

WANT to approach women but don’t know how? Awkward loser Martin Bishop explains how to ineptly seduce the fairer sex.

Lurk for ages

Talking to hot babes is scary. What if they’re not as friendly as the women in the anime you watch? Build up your confidence ahead of making first contact by lurking opposite them in a dimly lit bar for ages. That way they’ll be familiar with you when you try to impress them with a witty observation but trip over your words.

Try really hard to act cool

Chicks say they like it when men are genuine, but that’s just reverse psychology. They really want you to be the suave lovechild of James Bond and Donald Draper. Repress your true self and instead swagger around with feigned nonchalance at all times. If you haven’t got asthma, consider taking up smoking. The ladies will be putty in your hands.

Use pick up lines

Dating gurus advise against using pick up lines, which means the average woman is now very susceptible to a cheesy one-liner fired off in her direction. If you drop a classic into conversation like ‘Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my head all night’ you’ll almost certainly be dragged off to the ladies for a quickie.

Crack joke after joke after joke

Women love to laugh because it activates the sex hormone in their brains. One joke won’t cut it though. You’ll need to reel off an endless stream of gags at a steady pace if you want to grab a lady’s attention. Don’t be afraid to laugh at your own jokes either, this shows her that you’re confident and don’t take yourself too seriously.

Make everything sexual

Flirting is all about the art of suggestion, and what’s more suggestive than sex? Steer the conversation towards lovemaking at every opportunity, even if they’re talking about something sad like their dog just dying. There’s an open goal about doggy style right there, and it’s up to you to score it. Just make sure you’ve stocked up on johnnies, you’re going to need them.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hourglass, pear, spoon or bloke: what's your body shape?

DO you think your body is of averagely human appearance? You’re wrong. These are the bullshit body shapes you need to choose between.


You’ve got roughly equal bust, waist and hip measurements, which apparently means you are a rectangle and doesn’t take into account the fact you have arms, legs and a head. Apparently the desired body shape for models, meaning you’ll be good at striding around looking moody as f**k.


A curvy body shape is the most attractive, right? Well, only if the curves are in very specific places. Boobs and bum are good, but heaven forbid those curves extend to your thighs and stomach. If this is the case you have to put on something called shape wear, which flattens unsightly bulges but makes you feel like an overstuffed sausage.


Being described as ‘pear-shaped’ is code for ‘you have reached the age of 50 and turned into a chubby old hag’. Luckily on reaching the age of 50 women also attain the status of no longer giving a shit about this kind of nonsense so you can call them whatever you like and they’ll just tell you to get stuffed.


You’d think this body shape meant you have a giant head and tiny, skinny body but actually it means you have big hips and bottom and a slimmer torso. But the main takeaway is that if you own spoons resembling a big-bummed human being they won’t fit in a cup and you should buy some new ones.


Is this one even real? It sounds like the name of an ocean-dwelling dinosaur with huge teeth and a long neck. Well, yes, it is real and it means having a square and muscular frame, which compared to looking like a sea monster is incredibly boring.


Oh, hang on, you’re a man? Never mind then, no one gives a toss about your body shape and you can wear whatever you want. Also the clothes don’t wildly differ in size depending on which shop you go in and they’re much cheaper. Lucky old you.