HAVING guests over seems like a nice idea but the reality is that people are largely rude, annoying bastards. Here are the worst.
The one whose house is better than yours
This person is the sort who has a brief look at the house you scrimped and saved to buy and says things like ‘You’re so lucky having a manageable home. Our place needs constant cleaning, what with the four bathrooms. And we had to build an outhouse for the ride-on mower’. Prick.
The one with lots of dietary requirements
Tom’s girlfriend Emma, who you have never met before, can’t eat nuts, dairy or gluten, which means you either have to make her a separate meal or serve boiled rice and a bland chickpea curry to all of your guests. After this event you’ll drop subtle hints to Tom that she’s not good enough for him as you can’t be arsed with the faff of catering for her again.
The unintentional insulter
The person who looks out at the garden, winces sympathetically, and says ‘It’ll look lovely when you’ve spent some time on it’ despite the fact that you’ve lovingly tended it for the past five years. Also likely to utter ‘Don’t worry, I don’t notice mess either’, which will make you want to smack them as you’ve already tidied up.
The enthusiastically nosy one
This person has no compunction about opening kitchen cupboards or pulling books off shelves. And later, when they’ve had a few glasses of wine, you’ll find them rooting around in your bedroom drawers and exclaiming over your sex toy collection, before going back downstairs to tell your other guests what they discovered.
The person who does a poo
The unwritten rule is to hold it in until you get home. Yet this guest leaves an unmistakeable fragrance wafting through your house so that the rest of your dinner party is spent eating in an ambience not unlike that of an infrequently cleaned public toilet. And they don’t even seem ashamed, the animal.