The boyfriend's guide to explaining the incriminating targeted adverts on your phone

HAVE you inadvertently informed the Internet about certain predelictions perhaps better kept to yourself? This is how to explain it to your girlfriend: 

‘What is targeted advertising?’ 

Innocence is the defence nobody can bear to breach, so go for wide-eyed denial. If you don’t know what targeting is, it doesn’t exist, and everyone knows it’s a moral obligation to click ‘allow all cookies’ to help those struggling websites? And how is she so sophisticated she knows about omnichannel marketing and data harvesting? What’s she been up to?

‘They get sent to everyone’

If she doesn’t know that she’s paranoid. You don’t ask for recommendations for weed gummies, pirated OnlyFans streams or Filipino brides, you’re forced to see them by your phone. That’s capitalism and the Tories. A political tangent which acts as a smokescreen while you delete your online gambling site bookmarks folder.

‘It’s a virus’

Smartphones are simply computers, and like a desktop PC in the 90s browsed by a horny dad, they have compromised security. A tiny Trojan Horse, worm or bug is inevitable and nothing to do with sketchy porn sites. Pop-ups saying ‘seek medical attention now’ should be ignored, even if they do look exactly like they’re from the NHS app.

‘My mate borrowed my phone’

You left your phone on the table, the lads searched for something hilarious like ‘popular swinging sites Guildford’, and that’s all of a sudden your fault? No, they did it deliberately, and you’ve no idea what they thought was so hilarious about that Forestry Commission car park off the M5 they’ve put a pin in on your satnav app.

‘It was for both of us baby’ 

Of all the despicable filth you’ve searched, it’s the frivolous sex toy Instagram ad that catches her eye the most. Of course, you insist that the Love Honey deluxe lube set wasn’t meant for solo playtime. She’ll forget the whole advert argument after passionate, toy-assisted lovemaking while you try to remember if you went Incognito on your laptop.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ten things people try to sell secondhand that are a f**king insult to your intelligence

SECOND-HAND platforms have the occasional gem in a mountain of crap. Which of these delights will you scroll past today?

Knackered childrens’ trainers

Kids destroy shoes. This is a given. Scrubbing off the mud can’t conceal that the Velcro is matted with bits of old thread and pet hair. Even your slovenly, oblivious child is too discerning for these.

Empty Chanel carrier bag

Not a bag carrying some perfume, but literally an empty paper bag. A glowing description extols such attributes as ‘string handles’ and ‘a rectangular cardboard insert’. The seller wants 12 quid plus £3.35 postage.

Cheap dress

Lavishly described on Vinted as ‘stunning’. If truly only worn once as claimed, then that one occasion must have been a particularly heavy night out in a cheap suburban nightclub involving free blue alcohol and a back-alley knee-trembler.

A filthy juicer

No one in their right mind buys a juicer because it will be used once and thrown out. This listing on Next Door is a case in point, but replaces ‘thrown out’ with ‘sold at full price’. £135 ‘as new’ but each of its 17 miserable components is caked in dried-on orange juice from when Theresa May was prime minister.

Open pack of Tena ladies pads

The epitome of Facebook Marketplace user realising they can list something without considering whether they should. A full cupboard clear-out: why not? Next time why don’t you chuck in a half-tube of Anusol?

Weird-looking three-piece suite

Red velvet with a fake gold trim, this suite looks like it came from a dictator’s second-best lounge. Yours for the bargain price of £1,000 ‘or near offer.’ Ponder whether a fiver is near enough before deciding it’s not worth the risk of being accepted.

Nintendo game: box only

A box only. Not the game itself. The seller wants £5.99 plus postage. Gives you the impression the seller was sat in a near-empty room casting around for anything whatsoever that might have value. Will be gone next time you look for it.


Blithely listed on Facebook Marketplace for local pick-up, this mattress is apparently worth £15. You would literally pay that to stay away from it. Was this flytipped once already?

Harry Potter Lego character – wand only

Wand only. A Lego wand. A 1cm bit of brown plastic. £4? Plus postage? Surely at least it can apparate its way to you?

A dolls’ house bath mat

Brilliant! A bath mat on eBay for 99p! You hit Buy on this genuine, old-school auction bargain in a frenzy of excitement. It comes measuring 25mm x 50mm. You check and it did say in the advert. This is why people sell crap. Because of bargain-greedy knobheads like you.