HAVE you inadvertently informed the Internet about certain predelictions perhaps better kept to yourself? This is how to explain it to your girlfriend:
‘What is targeted advertising?’
Innocence is the defence nobody can bear to breach, so go for wide-eyed denial. If you don’t know what targeting is, it doesn’t exist, and everyone knows it’s a moral obligation to click ‘allow all cookies’ to help those struggling websites? And how is she so sophisticated she knows about omnichannel marketing and data harvesting? What’s she been up to?
‘They get sent to everyone’
If she doesn’t know that she’s paranoid. You don’t ask for recommendations for weed gummies, pirated OnlyFans streams or Filipino brides, you’re forced to see them by your phone. That’s capitalism and the Tories. A political tangent which acts as a smokescreen while you delete your online gambling site bookmarks folder.
‘It’s a virus’
Smartphones are simply computers, and like a desktop PC in the 90s browsed by a horny dad, they have compromised security. A tiny Trojan Horse, worm or bug is inevitable and nothing to do with sketchy porn sites. Pop-ups saying ‘seek medical attention now’ should be ignored, even if they do look exactly like they’re from the NHS app.
‘My mate borrowed my phone’
You left your phone on the table, the lads searched for something hilarious like ‘popular swinging sites Guildford’, and that’s all of a sudden your fault? No, they did it deliberately, and you’ve no idea what they thought was so hilarious about that Forestry Commission car park off the M5 they’ve put a pin in on your satnav app.
‘It was for both of us baby’
Of all the despicable filth you’ve searched, it’s the frivolous sex toy Instagram ad that catches her eye the most. Of course, you insist that the Love Honey deluxe lube set wasn’t meant for solo playtime. She’ll forget the whole advert argument after passionate, toy-assisted lovemaking while you try to remember if you went Incognito on your laptop.
