The couple's guide to arguing during lockdown

ARGUING is a great way to pass the time during lockdown. Here are some excellent blazing rows to bring your relationship to breaking point. 


The number one thing to argue about. It covers a vast range of topics, from tidying your snack-ravaged kitchen to disinfecting everything in the house. Go to town on this argument as you can use your own health as the ultimate guilt trip, perhaps asking, “Do you want me to die?”

Who ate the nice food?

With trips to the supermarket perilous and online shopping impossible, have a heartfelt furious row about your partner selfishly gobbling the last few ‘Taste the Difference’ sausages you’d been fantasising about eating for two days.

What to watch on TV

You’re not used to spending this much time together and there’s no sport on anymore, so it’s basically down to Friends on Netflix or more Masterchef. Have a good moan on the grounds that “we watched this yesterday” or say your partner just fancies the young Courteney Cox, as if there’s a real possibility of them having an affair.  

Whose fault is it that the internet has gone down?

You know the answer to this – it’s nobody’s fault. The internet is just terrible and slow at the moment because we’re all on it 24/7. Therefore this argument is going to go nowhere, with no actual conclusion beyond turning the router on and off again. Perfect for prolonged unpleasant bickering.

Innocuous personal habits

Does your partner flick their their hair in a certain way, or hum You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet whilst buttering toast? Now that you cannot avoid their harmless quirks, flip out like a lunatic, screaming “WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?”. You’re totally justified because it’s mildly irritating. Happy arguing!

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Lockdown may stay in place for months because we've f**ked this up, says Johnson

THE prime minister has warned that lockdown measures may remain in place for months because of how badly they have f**ked this up. 

Boris Johnson told Britain there is no easy way out of lockdown, largely because he and his team made all the wrong decisions in its early stages, as it progressed and as recently as yesterday. 

He said: “Lockdown could continue until the number of new cases falls below 1,000 a day, which it won’t because a rigorous test-and-trace system is something I have not implemented. I’m just not following the science. 

“With this resurgence of infections in care homes, a direct result of our policy of sending infected patients to care homes, we expect to see another spike in the community which was entirely avoidable. 

“I, of course, was absent when many of the key moves were not made, but my cabinet of Brexit yes-men and incompetent ideologues did an incredible job of f**king this up in my absence. 

“Now I’m back in charge and continuing to base our policies on blind optimism and posh idiocy, we’ll continue to bugger this up until we have the longest lockdown and highest death toll in Europe.” 

He added: “Then, at the end of the year, no-deal Brexit.”