The enemies you're allowed to have as an adult

DO you gather strength from your hatred of others, but should have grown out of it by now? Here are enemies you’re officially allowed to have as an adult: 

Your lazy delivery driver

Whether he’s taking liberties with the meaning of ‘secure location’ or knocks so weakly you need pin-sharp hearing to detect it, you’re entitled to despise him. Nothing against the profession: he personally is an awful, antagonistic bastard determined to stop you getting your dandruff shampoo.

A brother-in-law

You can’t hate every member of your family – you’d never get anything done – but nobody likes a brother-in-law. They’re not blood, they brag about their cars, they drink your beer and they’re knocking off your sister. Hiss when they approach.

Your neighbour’s cat

Hating your neighbour was fine pre-pandemic but these days seems churlish. Hating their pet, who digs up your pot plants to shit in them, comes from a place of maturity. It’s definitely about the plants, you’re not just taking out your anger on the nearest living thing.

The colleague who sends emails at midnight

Any colleague is a fine target for your righteous ire, but those without self-control or any understanding of business hours are best. Once they’ve wheedled your help with a presentation at 3am you can point out Fifty Shades of Grey on the shelf behind them in the next Zoom meeting guilt-free.

War criminals/terrorists/nuclear bombs

If you really think you’re above having a petty enemy who frustrates your life in small ways, be one of those self-righteous pricks who claims they don’t hate anyone they know, just Hitler and concepts like ‘greed’. God, those smug holier-than-thou bastards who insist they have no enemies. You can hate them too, actually.

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Britain joins Pacific trade area after f**k-up with map

THE UK has applied to join the Pacific free trade area after international trade secretary Liz Truss managed to completely f**k up reading a map. 

Truss is speaking to ministers in Japan and New Zealand this morning, will realise her error at that point, and bulldoze ahead as if she meant it regardless because that is what Tories do.

She said: “They are difficult to fold up, these maps, aren’t they. And unrelated, we’re joining the Comprehensive and Progressive Trans-Pacific Partnership which makes perfect sense.

“It’s an enormous free-trade area, far bigger than poxy little Europe, and means we’ll be able to sell honest British jams to Chile, Peru, Brunei and I guess Vietnam. So that’s good.

“The thing about oceans is they all look the same, so it’s easy to misidentify the Pacific as being next to Britain when actually that’s the Atlantic, but proximity’s overrated anyway.

“It’s got Australia and Canada in and they’re like us so it’s not a total loss, and we’re ready to accept any conditions Japan wants to impose because it’s fine because only EU trade deals affect precious sovereignty.

“So we don’t want trade deals with Europe or mean old Joe Biden now because of our new cool Pacific mates. So there.”