The five topics it's safe to talk about with your parents

DO conversations with your parents always veer off into heated, toxic confrontations? Keep chats upbeat with these topics it’s safe to discuss.

The weather

Unless your Brexiter dad saw a cloud that looked like Nigel Farage, chances are the weather is a risk-free topic. The only downside is that you’ll have to listen to lengthy descriptions of the precise angle at which the rain is falling, but that’s a small price to pay for not having an argument.

What you watched on telly

If you’ve been watching different shows, you can tune out while the other party rambles on about the latest developments in their programmes. If you’ve watched the same thing, just try to grind your teeth in silence while they misinterpret the themes or sympathise with obviously evil characters.

What the neighbours have been doing

If you want to avoid an argument about whether your partner is marriage material, ask how they’re getting on with the neighbours. This creates a safe space for them to rip their neighbours to shreds for trivial wrongdoings, without you having to give a shit because you’ve never met them.

Who you ran into in Tesco

This will be exceptionally thrilling if the person is someone your parents know too, as they will be able to tell meandering stories about something only tangentially related to them. Hopefully they won’t also go on a rant about being forced to wear a mask in shops.

What you’re having for dinner

Perfect chat fodder if you’re playing for time or the conversation starts drifting towards current events, as any mention of food will invite probing questions usually reserved for the cursory mention of a potential romantic interest. If you have ethical dietary requirements, maybe omit them for the sake of diplomacy.

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Six Nations fans forced to piss in pint glasses over Zoom

THE pandemic has left Rugby Union supporters with no option but to be unbearable twats in the safety of their own homes.

Fans have confirmed they are deeply disappointed not to be able to get pissed and act like total arseholes on the stands at Twickenham this year as is traditional.

England supporter James Bates said: “It’s extra gutting that we can’t even meet up in the pub and ruin it for other drinkers with our matching red chinos, boat shoes and annoying braying voices.

“I mean, why have a wazz in an empty pint glass if you can’t throw it at the pitch or dare Rocco and Jasper to drink it? Necking ten pints of warm bitter and singing songs about slavery in your own living room just isn’t the same.”

A spokesman for the Six Nations Championship said: “Although we’ll miss the fans, we’re incredibly pleased that we are allowed to continue to offer elite sporting matches.

“Well, if you don’t count the ones with Scotland or Italy playing. They’re always shit.”