AFTER almost a year of no human contact, which household items are starting to lead you on for a steamy night of consensual passion?
With a price tag of over £100, you would expect your electric toothbrush to do more than just clean away interdental plaque, and boy does it. Simply flip your device round and vibrate your way from crippling loneliness and into minty ecstasy.
A tall, dark and handsome floor lamp has all the attributes required from a sexual partner, with none of the awkward post-coital chat. Plus if any nosy neighbours are peering in at your silhouettes, they’ll think you’ve bagged a stick-thin supermodel with a fashionable bob.
The weekend magazine is full of opinions, recipes and facts that you’d enjoy from a lover, whether you’re into the woke leftie whimpering of the Guardian or the lunatic Tory cheerleading of the Telegraph. An extra plus is that you get a new one every week, so it doesn’t matter if you rip through it like a wild thing.
When you’ve spent twelve months without a support bubble, even the most innocent foodstuffs transform into a potential orgasm opportunity, and pitta bread is no exception. Wholegrain is a good choice as it’s less likely to disintegrate under pressure.
Smart home devices are the closest one can get to intelligent conversation at the moment and, if you’re desperate, you can get some steamy sex chat out of them too. Send Alexa to the John Lewis website and have her read through the underwear section. You’ll need imagination and elbow grease but you’ll get there in the end.