Five household items you could have sex with at a push

AFTER almost a year of no human contact, which household items are starting to lead you on for a steamy night of consensual passion?

Electric toothbrush

With a price tag of over £100, you would expect your electric toothbrush to do more than just clean away interdental plaque, and boy does it. Simply flip your device round and vibrate your way from crippling loneliness and into minty ecstasy.

Tall lamp

A tall, dark and handsome floor lamp has all the attributes required from a sexual partner, with none of the awkward post-coital chat. Plus if any nosy neighbours are peering in at your silhouettes, they’ll think you’ve bagged a stick-thin supermodel with a fashionable bob.

Sunday supplement

The weekend magazine is full of opinions, recipes and facts that you’d enjoy from a lover, whether you’re into the woke leftie whimpering of the Guardian or the lunatic Tory cheerleading of the Telegraph. An extra plus is that you get a new one every week, so it doesn’t matter if you rip through it like a wild thing.

Wholegrain pitta 

When you’ve spent twelve months without a support bubble, even the most innocent foodstuffs transform into a potential orgasm opportunity, and pitta bread is no exception. Wholegrain is a good choice as it’s less likely to disintegrate under pressure.


Smart home devices are the closest one can get to intelligent conversation at the moment and, if you’re desperate, you can get some steamy sex chat out of them too. Send Alexa to the John Lewis website and have her read through the underwear section. You’ll need imagination and elbow grease but you’ll get there in the end.

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Woman desperate to be Angel from Escape to the Chateau

A WOMAN has decided she has had enough of her own life and wants to be Angel from Escape to the Chateau instead.

Emma Bradford would like to swap her cramped terraced house in Nuneaton for a massive French mansion with a walled garden, orangerie, mismatched tea sets and a devoted, capable engineer husband.

Bradford said: “All I want is to be able to say to my boyfriend ‘Build me an indoor helter skelter’ or ‘Design me a lift that goes all the way to the top turret’ and have him smile indulgently at me before immediately getting it done.

“Angel gets to stick dead butterflies and taxidermied fawns on her walls and Dick just rolls his twinkly eyes indulgently. If I so much as hang a picture my boyfriend says I’m messing with his vision for our flat, a vision which seems to just be ‘beige’.

“All I have to do is find a portly former army colonel with a big moustache and a TV career to marry, convince Channel 4 to pay for everything and completely change my personality.

“It’ll be easy.”