Tuesday, 26th January 2021

The government's lockdown sex rules, explained

TEN weeks into lockdown, the government has decided to clarify who is allowed to have sex with who, where, and when. Read on: 

Anyone making love indoors must do so with a member of their own household and is not allowed to do so during working hours if furloughed, because that would be mocking Rishi Sunak.

If no members of your household are available for sex, you are permitted to copulate with a cleaner, nanny or au pair provided the correct PPE is employed.

You may also have intercourse with a professional sex worker who visits your home. Designating a partner who lives in another property as a sex worker is illegal and what Tory MPs are already doing.

You are allowed sex with a partner who is not a member of your household in your garden, though you should maintain a minimum of two metres emotional distance at all times.

You may also have sex with someone from another household in a public place like a park, beach or the grounds of Buckingham Palace which you have requested the use of as prime minister.

No sexual partners are allowed to stay overnight at your property in case you become attached to them. They must be kicked to the kerb.

Finally, any or all of these rules may be retrospectively rewritten if Dominic Cummings is found to have violated them. Fines will not be refunded nor pregnancies voided.