The science behind easing lockdown explained, by a doctor out of his mind on ketamine

WHY is the government is taking actions for pandemic level one while we’re at level four but pretending it’s level three? Let me explain while soaring on ket. 

The five levels of the COVID-19 alert system are very clear, stay still when you look at them, and are not constantly coming toward you but never getting closer. F**k. Can anyone else see that?

At level four, which we remain at in theory, everyone should stay home but we’re not doing that because reality in itself is just a theory, this isn’t my arm, and Boris doesn’t want to.

Instead we behave as if level three, except we’re opening non-essential shops in two weeks like level two, and shielded people can come out like level one and Nando’s is back and I am a tiny man controlling the engine of my body.

This ketamine, which is pharmaceutical-grade, will help me and my fleshbot absorb the worst impact of the second wave which is coming because of the wet-brained confusion of the above.

Children do not catch the virus, playgrounds are closed, pubs are closed but large groups may congregate outside, up is down and Dominic Cummings acted within the law and guidelines.

We have achieved almost nothing and are about to throw it away. Horse tranquilisers are available at all veterinarians and will be prescribed freely.

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'Today you'll be learning what a two-day hangover looks like,' says teacher

A TEACHER has turned the aftermath of her lockdown drinking into a valuable learning experience, pupils have confirmed.

Year 6 teacher Lauren Hewitt styled out the lingering after-effects of heavy drinking by turning her nauseous misery into a series of enriching lessons and experiments.

Traherne, in sunglasses, said: “Okay, first science. We’re going to time the dissolving of a Berocca tablet in a glass, then we’ll talk about how the liver filters alcohol in an attempt to kick mine into action.

“Calculating how fast someone my height and weight would metabolise two and a half bottles of Jacob’s Creek should kill thirty minutes, then before lunch it’s why you never mix wine and spirits.

“For the last hour we played Who Can Stay Quiet The Longest, and when the bell went off I raced out of the classroom so I could be sick in a plant pot.

“Oh, for the days when you could just chuck on a video and run out the clock. Now I’m expected to teach the buggers something and they haven’t even got exams.”

Pupil Joshua Hudson said: “This is easily the most useful lesson I’ve ever had. F**k the periodic table.”