Friday, 3rd July 2020

The science behind easing lockdown explained, by a doctor out of his mind on ketamine

WHY is the government is taking actions for pandemic level one while we’re at level four but pretending it’s level three? Let me explain while soaring on ket. 

The five levels of the COVID-19 alert system are very clear, stay still when you look at them, and are not constantly coming toward you but never getting closer. F**k. Can anyone else see that?

At level four, which we remain at in theory, everyone should stay home but we’re not doing that because reality in itself is just a theory, this isn’t my arm, and Boris doesn’t want to.

Instead we behave as if level three, except we’re opening non-essential shops in two weeks like level two, and shielded people can come out like level one and Nando’s is back and I am a tiny man controlling the engine of my body.

This ketamine, which is pharmaceutical-grade, will help me and my fleshbot absorb the worst impact of the second wave which is coming because of the wet-brained confusion of the above.

Children do not catch the virus, playgrounds are closed, pubs are closed but large groups may congregate outside, up is down and Dominic Cummings acted within the law and guidelines.

We have achieved almost nothing and are about to throw it away. Horse tranquilisers are available at all veterinarians and will be prescribed freely.