The grown man's guide to walking through a department store lingerie section

STILL get flustered walking past bras and knickers even though you’re an adult man with a wife and mortgage? Here’s what to do.

Turn back at the door

The easiest way to deal with the situation is to avoid danger in the first place. Hopefully your partner will notice you becoming nervous as you approach, like a horse refusing a jump, and leave you to graze peacefully in the men’s shoe section while she immerses herself in the terrifying world of cup sizes and basques.

Look anywhere but at the lingerie

It’s vital to prove you have no interest in women’s underwear. This means you must not look at the sexy pants, even though the room is full of them. Stare fiercely upwards and comment on the high quality of the ceiling tiles instead. People will think you’re weird, but at least they won’t think you’re a pervert.

Take a weirdly intense interest in it

Alternatively, you could try showing an enthusiastic interest that demonstrates how completely unfazed you are by the sight of a frilly bra. However, don’t get too into it and discuss underwiring strength with the sales assistant with reference to her breasts or you’ll quickly be escorted out by security.

Make a succession of stupid jokes

You haven’t evolved that much from the hormonal oaf you were at secondary school, so your immediate reaction is likely to be a series of unfunny quips about ‘over the shoulder boulder holders’. A winning strategy, as your partner will steer you to the exit as quickly as possible to spare herself the embarrassment of being associated with you.

Turn bright red and hold a bag in front of your crotch

If all else fails, and your partner insists that you help her choose something skimpy and sheer for you to give her for her birthday, you must accept it as your manly duty. However, getting an erection in public is likely to result in a visit from the police, so be sure you’ve brought a large bag to disguise your pathetic excitement.

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'Grab my arse like a 16-year-old, gasped Gina': A preview of Pandemic Diaries by Matt Hancock

ARE you sad enough to read Matt Hancock’s account of the Covid crisis, Pandemic Diaries? Here are the ‘best’ bits so at least you don’t have to buy the Daily Mail for the serialisation.

The tough choices of shagging someone younger

No parent wants to have to choose between their children and a smokin’ hot piece of ass. But if you meet that special person who’s better than your wife, choose you must. ‘Being a grown-up is complicated,’ I told the kids in a group email. ‘But children are resilient. If anyone is the victim here it’s me.’

How I stopped Covid in its tracks

The government’s response to Covid was dogged by U-turns and incompetence. Someone had to take charge of this mess, which I did by ensuring a mate with no relevant experience provided medical supplies and another Tory crony provided a test-and-trace system whose only minor flaw was not working. Cometh the hour, cometh the Matt. 

My feud with Dominic Cummings

Dominic and I were diametrically opposed in every way. Here was a man who brazenly flaunted Covid rules, which I only did twice. He showed little concern for victims of Covid, whereas I shoved the old biddies back in their care homes to drop dead in comfort with a biscuit and a cup of tea. Above all he was a geeky dickhead with a receding hairline. It’s no wonder there was friction between two such different people.

Matt Hancock the lover

People see me as a rugged leader of men, but I’m actually a very sensual lover who loves to bury the old beef bayonet. It’s no exaggeration to say that I regularly take Gina to new heights of sexual excitement never before experienced by a woman. My secret? I can last up to five minutes if I think really hard about blocked toilets.

My moving redemption story on ITV’s I’m A Celebrity

It was with some trepidation that I went on I’m A Celebrity. I needn’t have worried. I was the public’s favourite, and they made me to do one demeaning, stomach-turning challenge after another just to see more of me. I made some great friends, like Mike Tindall, who paid me the traditional rugby players’ compliment of pissing in my bed every night. 

The future

After a high-flying political career, showbusiness success and now becoming a top author like Shakespeare, what mountain is left for me to climb? The obvious answer is: being the first man on Mars. I’ve DMd Elon Musk and everyone I’ve spoken to has given their enthusiastic support for me being blasted into space.