The middle class guide to sexting in lockdown

ARE you trying to keep the romantic spark alive with Julian, Francesca or Oliver? Read our foolproof guide to sending a sexy but suitably middle class SMS message.

Take things slow

Before turning up the temperature in your correspondence, make sure you’re both on the same page. Nobody wants a vitally important Zoom call with the Frankfurt office to be interrupted by a flurry of texts saying ‘I want to lick Waitrose guacamole off every inch of your body’.

Punctuation

Typing with one-hand can be tricky, but that’s no excuse to bring shame to the Queen’s English. If you’ve chosen your partner wisely, showing that you know how to correctly use a semicolon should be all that’s needed to send them into a frenzy, eg. ‘I want to suck: your fingers; your toes; and your ears.’

Fantasies

Sexting is a time to let your fantasies run wild. Why not imagine you’ve found an unattended bedroom during a property viewing for a second home? Describe to your partner everything you would do to each other in this elegant, spacious property projected to grow in value in an area with excellent local services.

Vocabulary

Just because you’re discussing the carnal arts doesn’t mean you should turn your WhatsApp chat history into a smut-fest. Exhibit your broad vocabulary – your parents didn’t pay for you to be privately educated for nothing. Try to keep things BBC1 rather than Channel 5. ‘I wish to copulate with you’ is an incredible turn-on.

Saucy pictures

If you want to take things to the next level, send a raunchy image. Everyone loves seeing their partner in a sexy costume, so why not dress as a naughty hedge fund investor, or a horny corporate accountant? There’s nothing sexier than a six-figure income.

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How NHS reforms will work, by the mates Matt Hancock is selling it off to

RESTRUCTURING the NHS is a vast, intricate project that only Matt Hancock’s mates on WhatsApp are capable of pulling off. Here they reveal their plans.

Double down on securing shit PPE

We were as surprised as anyone when our inexperienced catering company was awarded millions of pounds to provide PPE. Sure, we f**ked up big time, but our inadequate facemasks won’t look like a mistake if we keep on making them. Can you use a coffee machine as a ventilator? Let’s find out.

Privatise kids’ ‘Thank you NHS’ drawings

You’ve probably seen these adorable scribbles in house windows and wondered, ‘How can they be monetised?’ By selling them off to foreign investors we’ll create a booming trade in crap pictures of rainbows and nurses. Lefties will argue that foreign kids might just draw their own for free, but the market is always right.

Get nurses to treat everything with Calpol

Is it scientifically proven that Calpol can’t cure everything? Didn’t think so. From now on expect everything from a split lip to a heart attack to be treated with the syrupy children’s medicine in the first instance. Also we have a huge crate of the stuff knocking around and it would be great to shift it.

Make bigger NHS rainbow badges

Matt Hancock is living proof that you can get weirdly close to women and still have public support if you wear a tiny pin badge with ‘NHS’ on it. Our bold plan is to turn hospitals into badge factories making ones the size of pizzas for politicians to wear and keep the country on side.

Give mental health an edgy rebrand

We won’t pretend to understand mental health because we’re rich. Lots of young people talk about it though, so to make it look like we care we’ll release an out-of-touch advert where Ali G explains: ‘There’s nothing mental about health, innit. Booyakasha.”