Monday, 8th March 2021

The middle class guide to sexting in lockdown

ARE you trying to keep the romantic spark alive with Julian, Francesca or Oliver? Read our foolproof guide to sending a sexy but suitably middle class SMS message.

Take things slow

Before turning up the temperature in your correspondence, make sure you’re both on the same page. Nobody wants a vitally important Zoom call with the Frankfurt office to be interrupted by a flurry of texts saying ‘I want to lick Waitrose guacamole off every inch of your body’.

Punctuation

Typing with one-hand can be tricky, but that’s no excuse to bring shame to the Queen’s English. If you’ve chosen your partner wisely, showing that you know how to correctly use a semicolon should be all that’s needed to send them into a frenzy, eg. ‘I want to suck: your fingers; your toes; and your ears.’

Fantasies

Sexting is a time to let your fantasies run wild. Why not imagine you’ve found an unattended bedroom during a property viewing for a second home? Describe to your partner everything you would do to each other in this elegant, spacious property projected to grow in value in an area with excellent local services.

Vocabulary

Just because you’re discussing the carnal arts doesn’t mean you should turn your WhatsApp chat history into a smut-fest. Exhibit your broad vocabulary – your parents didn’t pay for you to be privately educated for nothing. Try to keep things BBC1 rather than Channel 5. ‘I wish to copulate with you’ is an incredible turn-on.

Saucy pictures

If you want to take things to the next level, send a raunchy image. Everyone loves seeing their partner in a sexy costume, so why not dress as a naughty hedge fund investor, or a horny corporate accountant? There’s nothing sexier than a six-figure income.