A second home is entirely different from a holiday: a rich twat explains

THE suggestion has been made, no doubt by some ignoramus at the BBC, that no holidays means no visiting our Cornish bolthole. Poppycock. They’re entirely different. 

Certainly I’m in full agreement that holidays should be banned, because of Covid or any other reason. The throngs of garishly-dressed plebeians should stay away. Last year someone left an upended ’99’ ice-cream on our BMW and the seagulls did dreadful damage to the paintwork. 

But to imply that we, who have a home here and do so much for the local gastropubs, should stay away is unconscionable.

Since we bought our cottage in 2012 – Julian did exceptionally well out of the credit crunch – we have put down roots. Our children Hugo, Portia and Rupert are practically Cornish. 

We may actually only spend a few weeks a year in the house and the rest of the time it’s an Airbnb, but it’s our spiritual home. And the government is telling us to stay home. 

Certainly the locals want us here. I can’t pass one in the street without being given the traditional Cornish wave, a local custom where your thumb and fingers are made into a ring and shaken up and down. Apparently it goes back centuries. 

So I can assure the BBC and the rest of the doomsayers that we will not be ‘holidaying’. We will be at our home in Cornwall, a mere 247-mile drive from our pied-à-terre place in Surrey. 

Apart from August, when Julian’s agreed to lend it to dear little Matty Hancock and his family for a fortnight. He’s had such a tough year.

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'Global Britain' means places where they speak English, Tories confirm

TORY Brexiters have clarified what they meant by ‘global Britain’ a mere five years after they came up with the phrase to help win the referendum.

Conservatives explained that their ambitious international trading strategy was in fact restricted to places where English is spoken as a first language.

MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “Clearly the word ‘global’ does not refer to the entire globe. When we talk about the world, we evidently mean wealthy, English-speaking former colonies.

“So, you can discount mainland Europe, most of Asia, Africa and Latin America – apart from the Falkland Islands, of course. We’ve also gone off the US since Biden got in, and Canada has gone too liberal for our liking.

“Overall, I’d say you can forget anywhere that doesn’t have the Union Jack on their flag. But do we really want to do business with that dreadful woman in New Zealand? 

“Closer to home, I wouldn’t say we’re too keen on the Scots or Irish. Terribly troublesome, both of them. And the Welsh are becoming an irritant. Really we’re more of a ‘global England’.

“Where does that leave us? Australia and a few little islands somewhere – as long as they play cricket. They’re thousands of miles away and difficult to export to, so that’s definitely ‘global’.”