The pathetic coward's guide to dumping someone

HAS your relationship petered out but you don’t know how to call it a day respectfully? Here’s how to break someone’s heart like a spineless loser.

Text them ‘soz it’s over’

Top off this tactless message with a sad face emoji and you’re home and dry. Your ex will probably have lots of questions and need some closure which is painful and takes ages, so immediately block their number to save yourself the hassle.

Get them to do it for you

By spouting some problematic opinions or listening to the Joe Rogan podcast incessantly, you can get your long-suffering partner to do the dirty work of ending the relationship themselves. This also means you can play the victim, so it’s all pretty sweet if you don’t mind being a manipulative liar.

Pretend you’ve lost your memory

Oh no, you’ve been struck by a sudden bout of amnesia that has erased all memory of your partner. Weird. It’s not like you’re at fault here though, in fact you’re sort of a medical marvel if you think about it. Maybe write a rom-com about this and sell it to Hollywood?

Marry someone else

It’s a long game, but if you trick another person into falling in love with you, propose to them and arrange a wedding, your original significant other should get the hint when you post them an invite to the big day. To make sure there are no hard feelings let them bring a plus one.

Fake your death

It’s cheap and easy to take out an obituary to yourself in the local newspaper, and when your partner inevitably clocks it you can both start to move on. The only catch is you’ll have to keep up the pretence until you’re actually dead, which could take a while.

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Man trying to get Rule Britannia to number one as if people still give a f**k about the charts

A MAN who is trying to upset woke liberals by getting Rule Britannia to the top of the charts has failed to realise no one gives a toss about them anymore.

Norman Steele is convinced that getting the song to number one will prove something despite the fact that following the charts went out with buying vinyl singles from Woolworths.

Steele said: “I won’t be happy until Rule Britannia is at number one and performed on Top of the Pops every Thursday for weeks, with a suitably patriotic dance by Pan’s People.

“The lunatic left are trying to force us to accept their wacky beliefs as usual. They say it’s all about the genuine risk of spreading coronavirus by singing at the Proms, but I can see through their Marxist propaganda.

“I’m badgering all my friends to buy Rule Britannia on iTunes, even if everyone ignores download charts because Ed Sheeran’s drivel can fill the entire top 20.

“When it’s top of the hit parade all the young people will be listening to it and realise we Brits have all the best songs. It’ll probably be the end of rap music.”

Steele is currently checking online charts every 15 minutes to see if Rule Britannia is in the top 10 yet, while the government continues to blithely run the country into the ground.