The Tories' completely confusing guide to masks in schools

THE government has been criticised for making a total dog’s dinner of its mask policy for schools. Here is the latest official advice on wearing them, or maybe not bothering.

Masks protect others from the virus

So maybe pupils and teachers should wear them. But then again, lots of them WON’T have the virus. Perhaps only wear one if your school is in some frightful place like Oldham. 

Masks are a reminder to stay alert

Indeed. Then again, ‘Stay alert’ was just some hogwash we came up with last summer. We can’t even remember who thought of it. Gavin? Matt? Certainly not Boris. Anyway, it’s not summer any more, it’s autumn, a whole new ball game. All this rain probably washes the virus away, or something. 

Masks make schools feel like safe spaces

And so children can learn without fearing for their health. However, as Tories we hate the idea of making schools too safe. Wear masks, but only for a vicious game of rugger. Teachers should also encourage bullying, because a good thrashing in the corridor builds character.

Masks have prevented the spread of Covid-19 in other countries

So we should wear masks, right? Wrong. We British are made of sterner stuff than foreigners – bully beef and spunk. Did Nelson wear a flimsy little face mask at the Battle of Trafalgar? No. Did the Paras wear them while yomping into Port Stanley? No, and that settles the issue.

Masks are recommended in Scotland

Right. That’s the clincher. Britons never ever shall be slaves to Nicola Sturgeon. No masks, at least not for a week until we’re forced into another catastrophic U-turn. 


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£13 a day for saying you're ill and staying in sure to go smoothly, says Matt Hancock

THE health secretary has confirmed there is no way paying people £13 a day for saying they are ill and staying at home could ever go wrong. 

Matt Hancock explained that anyone who claims to be suffering from Covid symptoms will be paid the odd sum of £182 a fortnight as long as they also claim to be self-isolating. 

He said: “Free money for low-paid scum to sit at home and do nothing has always been a key plank of Conservative policy. 

“And when this scheme is applied arbitrarily by postcode, meaning one street gets the free cash while their neighbours get nothing, I think the whole country will recognise it as fair. 

“We’ve also made sure the system is absolutely open to fraud. All you need to do is fake a cough and pretend you’re self-isolating, and you’re getting an extra £91 a week on top of your cash-in-hand work. Don’t worry, there are no checks. 

“So that’s the latest government initiative that will go incredibly smoothly and be hailed as a success by everyone, especially all our newspapers who love benefits claimants. 

“I look forward to appearing on TV in a month to announce another U-turn when this policy goes predictably wrong. None of it matters. There are no consequences anymore.”