The Pope's guide to shagging

PEOPLE need to have more children instead of pets, according to Pope Francis. Here the 85-year-old celibate explains how to start making babies. 

Remember sex is a sin

If you’re not married, remember during sex that fornication is a sin and you’ll be tormented forever in the fires of Hell by demons plucking out your eyeballs and sticking red hot pokers up your jacksie. But don’t let that put you off your stroke. 

Create a romantic atmosphere

Get in the mood for sex by lighting your bedroom with scented candles, putting on some gentle music and strewing the bed with rose petals. Or do it in one of the romantic locations favoured by Catholic priests, such as a choirboys’ dormitory.

Practise and become a superb lover

Learn to satisfy your partner with sexual techniques such as… actually this isn’t my sphere of expertise. Give her nipples a good hard tug, or tell him he’s got a giant penis like a sausage dog draught excluder. Keep saying ‘Sexy sexy!’ to stay turned on during the sordid act. 

Remember every sex must result in a baby

You won’t need a condom, which I’m told is good, and has the added benefit of not going to Hell. Also the thought of a house full of screaming, shitting babies you can’t afford to feed or clothe will make sex more rewarding and enjoyable.

Watch porn with your partner

I cannot condone watching unmarried bisexual MILF threesomes on Pornhub – not that I know what any of that means – but I see no harm in a bit of Renaissance porn showing a naked Adam and Eve being tricked into sex by a devious, talking reptile. That’s perfectly normal. 

Kill your pet 

Put your kitten or puppy in a sack and drown it, or squash it with your car. Then celebrate with some passionate lovemaking, safe in the knowledge that you won’t be tempted to look after a pet and are helping to overpopulate the world instead.

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How sex education is different nowadays, by a middle-aged man speculating

TEENAGERS today are at it like rabbits, I reckon. I’m Martin Bishop, I’m 44, and I’m shocked by my own speculations about how sex education is today: 

Girls know about sex now

Back then girls weren’t really allowed to know anything about sex in case they got pregnant. Nowadays they’ve all read about it in the Twilight books and it’s about ‘empowerment’ and ‘enjoying it’. How’s that going to help them in life?

They don’t believe any old shit

All ages are well-informed now, so they don’t have to rely on what their dickhead mate Paul tells them in the playground. I always had doubts that you’d be fitted with a prosthetic wooden penis if a vagina snapped it off. But then apparently Mr Griffin had one.

Teachers are relaxed about sex too

Sex education is now taught in a mature, broadminded way, instead of a socially dysfunctional science teacher showing cutaway drawings of fallopian tubes. It’s not fair that today’s kids don’t get flashbacks of Mr Gosling’s combover and Gerry Adams beard when they think about it.

Teenagers are liberal about each other’s sexuality

Straight, gay, bi or trans – all sexualities are accepted, especially by teenage boys. Sex education lessons no longer prompt an interrogation over whether you are a ‘gayer’ for having a well-stocked pencil case.

They’ve seen naked people

Naked Attraction, well it’s enough to put you off for life but it’s also educational. My only memories of nudity were the glimpses from the miniature railway going past Brighton’s naturist beach. They weren’t enough to build an understanding. You can’t please a woman based on that.

It’s not fair

In my day we looked at pictures of stamens and watched a video with a green cartoon VD. I spent years in ignorance. That’s why I never had a girlfriend, not because I had a monobrow and only one pair of jeans.