PEOPLE need to have more children instead of pets, according to Pope Francis. Here the 85-year-old celibate explains how to start making babies.
Remember sex is a sin
If you’re not married, remember during sex that fornication is a sin and you’ll be tormented forever in the fires of Hell by demons plucking out your eyeballs and sticking red hot pokers up your jacksie. But don’t let that put you off your stroke.
Create a romantic atmosphere
Get in the mood for sex by lighting your bedroom with scented candles, putting on some gentle music and strewing the bed with rose petals. Or do it in one of the romantic locations favoured by Catholic priests, such as a choirboys’ dormitory.
Practise and become a superb lover
Learn to satisfy your partner with sexual techniques such as… actually this isn’t my sphere of expertise. Give her nipples a good hard tug, or tell him he’s got a giant penis like a sausage dog draught excluder. Keep saying ‘Sexy sexy!’ to stay turned on during the sordid act.
Remember every sex must result in a baby
You won’t need a condom, which I’m told is good, and has the added benefit of not going to Hell. Also the thought of a house full of screaming, shitting babies you can’t afford to feed or clothe will make sex more rewarding and enjoyable.
Watch porn with your partner
I cannot condone watching unmarried bisexual MILF threesomes on Pornhub – not that I know what any of that means – but I see no harm in a bit of Renaissance porn showing a naked Adam and Eve being tricked into sex by a devious, talking reptile. That’s perfectly normal.
Kill your pet
Put your kitten or puppy in a sack and drown it, or squash it with your car. Then celebrate with some passionate lovemaking, safe in the knowledge that you won’t be tempted to look after a pet and are helping to overpopulate the world instead.
