NEED to ditch that relationship baggage you grudgingly call your partner? Avoid these dates:
Their birthday
When you’ve gone to the effort of buying presents, organising a party and lavishing your partner with the requisite affection, it will sharpen rather than soften the blow if you choose the moment they’re cutting the cake to tell them it’s over. Do it the week before and save yourself cash and trouble.
Your birthday
And when they’ve gone to that trouble for you, hold off before giving yourself the only gift you truly wanted and dumping their ass. Instead accept your tribute humbly and kick them to the kerb exactly a fortnight later.
Valentine’s Day
If you haven’t bitten the bullet and chucked your significant other by early February brace yourself for a day of unavoidable forced romance. Nobody calls it off on February 14th because they’d be branded a heartless monster and be blacklisted by dating apps, and rightly so.
Christmas Day
A tough choice for many reasons, not least because you’re staying with their parents. However the whole of December is a no-split zone because with each passing day you’re deeper into the obligation to be merry, festive and not a heartless twat. Wait until January unless you’re Jewish, Muslim or Hindu, in which case dump away.
Any funeral
Funerals lay a solidly depressing foundation for bad news, but still the announcement that you want to see other people makes things worse. It’s not even acceptable if they’ve got an enormous, elderly family who are popping their clogs every Tuesday. Postpone being a heartless bastard until the week after.
Your wedding day
Even if you had an epiphany the night before that what felt like love was merely loathing, you can’t break up on your wedding day because it would let all the guests down, and they’re expecting free stuff. You might as well stay married for 10 hate-filled years now.
