Inauthentic pizza loads better, Italians told

THICK CRUST, cheese-slathered, grease-soaked pizza is just better, the nation of Italy has been advised by the rest of the world. 

Italians claiming the only real pizza is thin, Neapolitan and made with locally-sourced mozzarella have been told nobody gives a f**k about their long-held traditions and just wants something to soak up the beer.

Pizza chef Alessandro Napoletano said: “Americans, Brits, Swedes or Koreans taste my genuine thin-crust margarita, made as my great-grandmother did, and to a man prefer a Domino’s Mighty Meaty.

“I cannot apparently match pizza with garlicy cheese oozing from the crust, pizza served ‘as it should be’ in a cardboard box, pizza that is even better cold and hungover.”

Tom Logan of Leeds said: “Italians need to get with the programme. If I can’t feel my arteries clogging after the second slice, it’s not worth the £19.99 I drunkenly paid for it.

“What would Italy know about pizza? It’s like Indians telling us about chicken tikka masala or the Turks weighing in on our post-pub kebabs.

“We’ve improved pizza to the point it’s ours now. F**k off out of it.”

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Johnson places advert for mistress in Times

BORIS Johnson has placed an advertisement for the vacant position of mistress to the prime minister in the Sunday Times. 

It reads: ‘Mistress needed for insatiable politician and philanderer, three-syllable first names a plus, pole-dancing experience a must. Reply Whitehall.’

Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster and trim co-ordinator Michael Gove said: “Congratulations to Boris on his marriage to the love of his life, Carrie Symonds. Right. To business.

“A vacancy has been created in the Downing Street staff, and we aim to fill it vigorously and frequently.

“Young ladies with History of Art degrees should take this opportunity but all are welcome, even Americans in Union Jack bikinis. The rewards include notoriety, lucrative IT or PPE contracts and a possible bastard.

“There were over 100,000 applications for Love Island 2021 and this is a far more prestigious position. Send nudes.”