'There's more of a friendship vibe': Seven ways to say you don't want to shag someone

DATING is hard. And saying outright you don’t want to have sex with someone is brutal, so use a feeble excuse instead. Here are some excellent ones.

‘There was more of a friendship vibe’

Use the meaningless phrase ‘friendship vibe’. If you said you saw them as a friend, that would be a huge insult to your actual friends, who would surely never hang out with you if your conversation was like Gwyneth Paltrow’s hippy twaddle.

‘I’m just so busy at the moment’

Clever, you’ve implied you’re focused on intellectual pursuits like your career. As if you wouldn’t drop everything for a shag the second someone genuinely fit looked your way. The rejected party knows that, but they can’t say so without sounding mental and possessive.

‘We’re just too similar’

In many ways this one’s absolute nonsense, because who wouldn’t want to shag themselves? You’re perfect! But at least you’ve softened the blow by letting them (wrongly) believe they’re as attractive and interesting as you.

‘I’m moving away’

Very specific and an outright lie. But you have to respect the boldness. If they live very locally and there’s a chance you may meet at random, you’ll have to tell the bizarre lie ‘I moved back again’. But if they can’t take that obvious a hint you probably wouldn’t want to go out with them anyway.

‘I’ve realised I’m not in the headspace for something right now’

Wonderfully vague. It implies you’re getting over an ex, which sounds very valid. However, what you actually mean by ‘headspace’ is the mental state of not finding them physically repulsive.

‘The chemistry wasn’t there’

Means nothing. Truly nothing. But sounds more scientific than ‘You gave me the ick when you started doing maths on how much we each owed on the bill’.

‘I need to work on myself before I get involved with anyone new’

Exact translation: my hand can do the job much better than you ever could.

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Mid-wank, and other times the mobile phone emergency alert will go off

WILDFIRES and floods do not happen on schedule, so expect the government’s mobile phone emergency alert to go off at inconvenient times. Such as these:


Picture the scene. You’re home alone. You’re watching filth that makes you ashamed of yourself. Then at the crucial moment your phone kills the mood to warn you about a nuclear missile heading straight for your bedroom. Will you have time to finish before you’re vapourised? Only one way to find out.

At the library

Librarians urge you to be quiet if you so much as blink loudly, so a deafening siren blaring from your phone is guaranteed to go down badly. Who cares if the alert could warn you about a nearby natural disaster? Do the sensible thing and deactivate it now and live in blissful ignorance. Otherwise you might not be able to rent ancient DVDs for £2.50 per disc.

When the vicar asks for objections at a wedding

When the vicar asks family and friends to speak now or forever hold their peace, everyone is expected to remain silent and keep all knowledge of incompatibilities and infidelities to themselves. The universe has a sense of humour though, so this tense pause is definitely going to be interrupted by a weather-related alert that causes the unwitting groom to shit himself and fess up.

While you’re carrying loads of pints

Rather than ferrying a big round of pints to your mates in multiple trips, you like to carry them all at once in a precarious manner. What could go wrong? Nothing, except your phone surprising you with a terrifying klaxon that will cause you to fling them everywhere. Worst of all, some prick will give you a cheer.

During a high-stakes game of Operation

You’re not quite sure how you got here, but you’ve found yourself playing Operation against some shady characters with your house, car, and life savings on the line. You might be able to break even if you can delicately remove the wishbone with your little tweezers, so long as there isn’t a nearby industrial accident you need to know about. Steady, now…