AFTER the early, exciting stage of your relationship, sex will become a chore to get done or a Plan B for when other activities fall through. Here’s why you’ll reluctantly do it.
There’s nothing good on TV
Having flicked through the entirety of Netflix without anything catching your eye, and even taking the drastic step of browsing actual television channels, you both realise sex would be a marginally more enjoyable way to spend the evening than watching cat videos on YouTube. Marginally.
Because you’ve pencilled it in
Nothing says the honeymoon period is over like adding a mandatory sex evening to your calendar. There’s no greater romance killer than looking at Tuesday’s to-do list and seeing the phrase ‘have sex’ sandwiched between ‘take the bins out’ and ‘change the cat’s litter tray’.
A friend mentioned their sex life
Perhaps you already had plans for the evening. Maybe you were going to play Fortnite, or try and figure out what the hell Bitcoin actually is. Well, that’s all been ruined because a friend mentioned her great sex life. So now you’ve got to make love because you’ve never really liked Susan.
One of the rare occasions in any advanced relationship when you’ll have genuinely passionate sex again. Deliberately create tension by ‘forgetting’ birthdays, never loading the dishwasher and arguing about stupid things like whether a lion is heavier than a gorilla. Your lives will be a living hell but the brief sex bits will be normal.
Having a kid
So you’ve decided to end your social lives in a way more permanent than any pandemic ever could? Prepare to have your sex life transformed into something entirely functional and dictated by incredibly un-erotic ovulation charts.