There's nothing good on TV: The five reasons couples actually have sex

AFTER the early, exciting stage of your relationship, sex will become a chore to get done or a Plan B for when other activities fall through. Here’s why you’ll reluctantly do it.

There’s nothing good on TV

Having flicked through the entirety of Netflix without anything catching your eye, and even taking the drastic step of browsing actual television channels, you both realise sex would be a marginally more enjoyable way to spend the evening than watching cat videos on YouTube. Marginally.

Because you’ve pencilled it in

Nothing says the honeymoon period is over like adding a mandatory sex evening to your calendar. There’s no greater romance killer than looking at Tuesday’s to-do list and seeing the phrase ‘have sex’ sandwiched between ‘take the bins out’ and ‘change the cat’s litter tray’.

A friend mentioned their sex life

Perhaps you already had plans for the evening. Maybe you were going to play Fortnite, or try and figure out what the hell Bitcoin actually is. Well, that’s all been ruined because a friend mentioned her great sex life. So now you’ve got to make love because you’ve never really liked Susan.

Make-up sex

One of the rare occasions in any advanced relationship when you’ll have genuinely passionate sex again. Deliberately create tension by ‘forgetting’ birthdays, never loading the dishwasher and arguing about stupid things like whether a lion is heavier than a gorilla. Your lives will be a living hell but the brief sex bits will be normal.

Having a kid

So you’ve decided to end your social lives in a way more permanent than any pandemic ever could? Prepare to have your sex life transformed into something entirely functional and dictated by incredibly un-erotic ovulation charts.

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Middle class parent launches pre-emptive complaint about son's GCSEs

A MIDDLE-CLASS mother has launched an appeal against the unfairness of her son’s GCSE grades, which have yet to be decided. 

Joanna Kramer is already furious about son Seth’s prejudiced and biased teachers refusing to award him the top grades he deserves and had paperwork lodged with the local authority before midnight yesterday. 

She said: “They should be giving themselves low grades as teachers for failing to bring out his full potential. That’s the real crime here. 

“I know they haven’t actually decided the grades yet, but I’m absolutely incensed by the possibility that they could be bad. I couldn’t sleep. He’s a non-traditional unorthodox learner. 

“What if he only gets an 7 in Spanish and doesn’t get into his first-choice college in Cambridge? Just because some stupid teacher was too sozzled on the inferior wine other parents give her to make the right prediction? 

“We moved area for this bloody school, costing us half an acre of garden and adding 45 minutes to Mark’s commute. If he doesn’t get top grades in every subject, I’ll sue.”

Teacher Susan Traherne said: “I’ve been a teacher for 20 years. I know full well what grades to give when a kid’s parents both drive Audis. Chill.”