Two acquaintances panic as mutual friend heads to bathroom

TWO people who barely know each other have been thrust into crisis after their mutual friend went for a pee.

Lucy Parry faced the prospect of making awkward small talk with Sophie Rodriguez after Charlotte Phelps nonchalantly abandoned them.

Parry said: “I thought we were meeting for one-on-one drinks. If I’d known I’d be expected to make tedious conversation with a near-stranger I’d have stayed at home. I’ve got enough friends and can’t be arsed to make any more.

“I knew Charlotte would be gone for f**king ages as she was wearing a playsuit. That adds at least six minutes onto a loo trip, which I had to spend trying to remember if Sophie is her nice friend from book club or the unhinged one going through a messy divorce.

“I considered going out for a cigarette at one point, and I don’t even smoke. Anything to escape the horrible tension of trying to think of something to say that wasn’t completely inane, but also didn’t invite her to tell me things about herself that I had to pretend to find interesting.”

Charlotte Phelps said: “They were lucky. I could have gone for a shit instead.”

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Pissing on the toilet seat, and your boyfriend's other favourite hobbies

WHILE your boyfriend may have some virtues, it’s hard to look past these profoundly infuriating habits:

Using your skincare products

Despite making fun of you for having so many hair and beauty products, you notice that some seem to be running out much faster than they should. That’s because he’s been secretly using your fancy shampoo on his pubes and testing your anti-wrinkle cream on his scrotum.

Pissing on toilet seat

No matter how many times you suggest that he either a) lifts up the seat prior to urinating or b) learns how to use his penis properly, you invariably end up sitting on disconcertingly damp toilet seats. He does this so often that it can only have become some kind of sick game for him.

Leaving hair everywhere

He complains about you leaving hair in the shower plug hole, but every time he trims his beard it looks like someone has been clipping a massive stiff-coated dog in the bathroom. He seems to have set himself the task of covering every item close to the sink in as thick a layer of facial bristles as possible.

Failing to do laundry

Despite the fact that he works as a computer programmer, when he’s confronted with a washing machine your boyfriend’s level of technical skills revert to that of a 17th century cowhand. He will dumbly paw at the machine, accidentally turning on and off rinse cycles, until it’s easier to do it f**king for him.

Clipping toenails

You’ve met his family. They seem like normal, clean people, which makes his habit of leaving toenail clippings everywhere even more confusing. Perhaps you could gather the clippings, use them to clone him, and then teach that clone to not be a prick that leaves its toenail clippings spread like confetti across the carpet.