Under no circumstances will man hold handbag for girlfriend in public

A MAN absolutely will not carry his partner’s handbag for her in public, ever. 

Stephen Malley is vehemently opposed to being seen in possession of a handbag in case he is considered a ‘sissy’ by passing strangers who almost certainly would not notice or care.

Malley said: “I’ve got nothing against gays or transsexuals, I just don’t feel being seen holding a handbag is right for me.

“I’m particularly concerned about being mocked by groups of teenage boys. I’m 38, pretty hard and it has never happened, but it still scares me.”

Malley’s partner Donna Sheridan said: “Goodness knows what’s going on in his head. He could hide it under his coat if he’s worried about being ostracised by the male community.

“Stupidly I once shoved my bag into his hands while I nipped into McDonald’s for a wee. He left it 10 metres away from where he was sitting and the police took it away for a controlled explosion.”

Malley said: “I only did what any normal man would do in that situation.”

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Are you enough of a gobsh*te to be on Question Time?

BBC Question Time has faced criticism for the idiots it gives airtime to. So are you enough of a gobsh*te to be on the panel or in the audience? Take our test.

What are your thoughts on any given issue?

A) I try to be informed and realise most issues are complex without any simple answers.

B) I’m violently for or against things – mainly stuff I’ve been told to be angry about by the newspapers – and I will shout my opinions to show how right I am. 

If you were an audience member, what sort of question would you ask? 

A) Something topical everyone would like to know the answer to.

B) Not a question as such, more an incoherent rant about some bullsh*t like bendy bananas that makes viewers at home grit their teeth in embarrassment for me.

What is your opinion of recent panellists such as Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage and that Fox idiot?

A) It’s more about promoting themselves than adding to the debate. Also I would put them in a block of concrete and drop them in the sea. 

B) They are all brilliant thinkers who dare to speak the truth in the face of political correctness, wokeness and liberal fascism.

How would you behave if you were in the audience?

A) I would listen politely to the arguments.

B) I would boo other members of the audience I don’t agree with, and cheer like a lunatic at any banality uttered by a Brexiter.

Mostly As: Sorry, you’re nowhere near mouthy and overconfident enough. Come back when you’ve learned how to shout loudly and interrupt people.

Mostly Bs: Well done, you’re enough of a gobsh*te for Question Time! If you want to be on the panel make sure you’ve got some prime bullsh*t to sell because there’s a lot of competition.