Saturday, 4th April 2020

The six most pointless ways to panic about the coronavirus

THE coronavirus is on the other side of the world and experts are confident it will not affect you. So how are you losing your sh*t about it? 

Spreading rumours

Your local Facebook Swap & Meet group is the ideal place to say you saw somebody coughing who ‘didn’t look like they were from round here’. The rumour will go round your estate faster than any virus and give spying on your neighbours an extra thrill. 

Wearing a facemask

Being the only person on your bus or train wearing a facemask lets other passengers know you’re taking the threat of a pandemic seriously. Also it might make them think you’re infected, and you’ll get a seat to yourself. 

Refusing to drink Corona

Hitting the bar tonight? Become instantly outraged if anyone offers to buy you a Corona, slamming them for being ‘irresponsible’. If people snigger, tell them ‘It’s just not worth the risk’ like an idiot. You can also freak out if ‘Rhythm of the Night’ by 90s dance act Corona comes on, though this is less likely. 

Throwing away a Tesco Sweet & Sour Chinese Chicken Meal for One

It may have been made on an industrial estate in Doncaster and be unrecognisable to any Chinese person as their own cuisine, but you can’t be too careful. Have a nice safe cup of tea, imported from the Hubei province of China, instead. 

Reading up on symptoms

Watch out for the symptoms of the coronavirus, which include a runny nose, cough, sore throat and headache, then convince yourself you’ve got it even though these are also symptoms of living in Britain in January.

Putting your home on lockdown

Like Wuhan, your home is on lockdown this weekend. All unnecessary travel is banned and your family need to get their papers stamped to visit the bathroom. Watch something hysteria-inducing on Netflix and tape over the gaps in the windows.