The six most pointless ways to panic about the coronavirus

THE coronavirus is on the other side of the world and experts are confident it will not affect you. So how are you losing your sh*t about it? 

Spreading rumours

Your local Facebook Swap & Meet group is the ideal place to say you saw somebody coughing who ‘didn’t look like they were from round here’. The rumour will go round your estate faster than any virus and give spying on your neighbours an extra thrill. 

Wearing a facemask

Being the only person on your bus or train wearing a facemask lets other passengers know you’re taking the threat of a pandemic seriously. Also it might make them think you’re infected, and you’ll get a seat to yourself. 

Refusing to drink Corona

Hitting the bar tonight? Become instantly outraged if anyone offers to buy you a Corona, slamming them for being ‘irresponsible’. If people snigger, tell them ‘It’s just not worth the risk’ like an idiot. You can also freak out if ‘Rhythm of the Night’ by 90s dance act Corona comes on, though this is less likely. 

Throwing away a Tesco Sweet & Sour Chinese Chicken Meal for One

It may have been made on an industrial estate in Doncaster and be unrecognisable to any Chinese person as their own cuisine, but you can’t be too careful. Have a nice safe cup of tea, imported from the Hubei province of China, instead. 

Reading up on symptoms

Watch out for the symptoms of the coronavirus, which include a runny nose, cough, sore throat and headache, then convince yourself you’ve got it even though these are also symptoms of living in Britain in January.

Putting your home on lockdown

Like Wuhan, your home is on lockdown this weekend. All unnecessary travel is banned and your family need to get their papers stamped to visit the bathroom. Watch something hysteria-inducing on Netflix and tape over the gaps in the windows.

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40-year-old man unaware he has 40-year-old metabolism

A 40-YEAR-OLD man has not realised his metabolism has aged at the same rate as the rest of his increasingly flabby body.

Martin Bishop cannot understand why he has developed middle-aged spread despite consuming the same large amount of booze and junk food he did in his 20s.

He said: “I get that your eyesight and hairline start to go. That’s just natural wear and tear. I just can’t figure out for the life of me why I’ve got this big fat stomach.

“I never order more than my usual four takeaways a week. What gives? I never had this problem when I was a student.

“It’s almost as if there’s some connection between my refusal to eat healthily or exercise, and these pounds I’m mysteriously piling on.”

After standing up too fast as he went to get another can of lager, an exhausted Bishop was forced to slump back breathlessly into the furrow his body has worn into his sofa.

He added: “I’m going to be up all night trying to crack this. Better order a Dominos to keep me going.”