How to make meetings absolute hell for everyone else

IF you’re forced to attend dull meetings, why not vent your frustration by making them utterly unbearable for others? Here’s how.

Say things for the sake of it

Prolong boring meetings with pointless comments just to show you’re there, eg. “Can I just say, I’m totally on board with anything that’s a positive step going forward.” If you’ve overrun by an hour, missed lunch and everyone looks dazed with boredom, job done.

Unleash smells 

If you won’t be identified, lay down a silent fart and enjoy watching people awkwardly trying not to mention the toxic anal gas permeating the room. Rancid coffee breath is also good. The night before a meeting, go to sleep with a spoonful of Tesco’s cheapest coffee in your mouth and don’t brush your teeth in the morning.

Make totally unrealistic suggestions

Waste everyone’s time with ideas that have no chance of happening. In a meeting about restructuring at your small regional company say, “Maybe we could get, I dunno, Phoebe Waller-Bridge to do a video to explain it?”  

Be the office comedian

Treat your colleagues to tiresome and inappropriate ‘humour’ throughout the meeting. Try: 

● Randomly repeating ancient Fast Show catchphrases, eg. “Suits you, sir!”

● ‘Edgy’ comments, eg. “I bet you like a bit of the old showbiz sherbert at the weekend, eh, Niall?”

● Telling a very long joke and getting it wrong, eg. “… so the Irishman says, ‘I haven’t got a long face, I’m a cycle-path.’ No, wait…” 

Derail the whole meeting

Sometimes meetings are important and people would like to get things done. Prevent this happening by starting an inane conversation that everyone gets sucked into, eg. do squirrels eat meat if they can’t get access to nuts?

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House prices falling is terrible, homeowner tells renter friend

A HOMEOWNER feels a friend who rents should be more sympathetic about her not making as much money as she expected on a property.

Francesca Johnson explained that her four-bedroom house in Bournemouth may yield a smaller than predicted fortune when she sells it, yet friend Donna Sheridan seemed strangely unconcerned. 

Johnson said: “I worked really hard to inherit that house and this is how the market repays me? It’s appalling.

“I’d expected Donna to be a lot more sympathetic but she just went ‘oh dear’. I suppose now she’s sorted in her cushy rented flat she doesn’t care about homeowners like me.

“When something goes wrong with her property she can just phone the landlord whereas I have to call a tradesman. But Donna looked as if she barely cared.  

“Yep, she’s sitting pretty in her one-bedroom flat with no bath so it’s stuff the rest of us.” 

Sheridan said: “If Fran was actually losing real money I might care. But instead I’ll just regard it as petty payback for me flushing my money down the bog every month.”