Friday, 10th July 2020

How to make meetings absolute hell for everyone else

IF you’re forced to attend dull meetings, why not vent your frustration by making them utterly unbearable for others? Here’s how.

Say things for the sake of it

Prolong boring meetings with pointless comments just to show you’re there, eg. “Can I just say, I’m totally on board with anything that’s a positive step going forward.” If you’ve overrun by an hour, missed lunch and everyone looks dazed with boredom, job done.

Unleash smells 

If you won’t be identified, lay down a silent fart and enjoy watching people awkwardly trying not to mention the toxic anal gas permeating the room. Rancid coffee breath is also good. The night before a meeting, go to sleep with a spoonful of Tesco’s cheapest coffee in your mouth and don’t brush your teeth in the morning.

Make totally unrealistic suggestions

Waste everyone’s time with ideas that have no chance of happening. In a meeting about restructuring at your small regional company say, “Maybe we could get, I dunno, Phoebe Waller-Bridge to do a video to explain it?”  

Be the office comedian

Treat your colleagues to tiresome and inappropriate ‘humour’ throughout the meeting. Try: 

● Randomly repeating ancient Fast Show catchphrases, eg. “Suits you, sir!”

● ‘Edgy’ comments, eg. “I bet you like a bit of the old showbiz sherbert at the weekend, eh, Niall?”

● Telling a very long joke and getting it wrong, eg. “… so the Irishman says, ‘I haven’t got a long face, I’m a cycle-path.’ No, wait…” 

Derail the whole meeting

Sometimes meetings are important and people would like to get things done. Prevent this happening by starting an inane conversation that everyone gets sucked into, eg. do squirrels eat meat if they can’t get access to nuts?