Are you a psychopath or do you sleep next to someone who snores?

DO you fantasise about murdering your partner while they sleep? Take our quiz and find out if you’re a cold-blooded psychopath or just sick of their snoring.

How often do you think about killing your partner?

A) All the time.

B) Every time you look at their selfish snoring mouth.

C) Never. You love them dearly, particularly those cute snores that shake the entire house and remind you they are alive and well.  

When you get into bed with the love of your life do you:

A) Slide an ice pick under the bed.

B) Ask them not to snore or you will not be responsible for your actions.

C) Look forward to spending another night listening to them snoring, or as you like to call it, their ‘sleep symphony’.   

What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

A) Hide the axe you were about to kill your partner with during the night.  

B) Wake your partner up by throwing hot tea over them and shouting, “You selfish snoring toerag!”   

C) Make your partner breakfast in bed as a ‘thank you’ for the eight hours of beautiful snoring they did just for you.

It is 3am and your partner is still snoring loudly. What do you do?

A) Bash their head in with a bedside lamp.

B) Consider murdering them but then realise you are too tired to dispose of their fat snoring body, so sulk for the rest of your relationship instead.  

C) Take a photograph of them so you can remember this special moment of lovely snoring forever.

Mostly As: You are not a psychopath. You have clearly been driven to these murderous thoughts by your partner’s nightly campaign of nasal terror. 

Mostly Bs: You’re not quite a psychopath but you are on the verge of becoming one. Consider ripping off your own ears for your partner’s safety.  

Mostly Cs: You are definitely a psychopath. Do you even have a snoring partner or are you lying next to the body of someone you killed and stuffed earlier?

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Man 'weighing in' on debate about period poverty advised to get to f**k

A MAN who thought a conversation about ‘period poverty’ needed his ill-informed opinions has been told in strong terms it did not.

Stephen Malley joined the workplace discussion after seeing a packet of sanitary towels on sale in Tesco for 25p and therefore assuming he was an expert on the costs of menstruation. 

Amongst other opinions, Malley announced that women who could not afford to buy sanitary protection had probably spent all their money in nail bars and on Lambrini instead.

Colleague Nicki Hollis said: “We tried telling Stephen that a 25p sanitary towel was about as much use to a woman in full flow as using a flannel to mop up a river.

“That didn’t stop him telling us free sanitary protection was ‘woke lefty b*llocks’ and that women managed without tampons in medieval times, as if that was a useful contribution. 

“At that stage we knew he was just a massive b*llend and told him in a variety of ways he could f**k right off.”

Malley said: “I thought telling them to use bits of ripped-up bed sheets was good advice. It’s free and environmentally friendly, if you wring them out.”