Vibrator less emotionally distant than boyfriend

A WOMAN has realised that she has a deeper emotional bond with her vibrator than she does with her boyfriend.

When the smoke alarm in her flat went off during the night, Lucy Parry rushed to rescue her beloved Cervix Snake before thinking about the safety of her boyfriend Tom.

Parry said: “It shocked me that, thinking the house was on fire, my first instinct was to dive over to the sock drawer for Snakey and leave Tom to fend for himself.

“Look, he’s a great guy, except for when he’s playing FIFA, with his friends, or making conversation. But unfortunately, I haven’t developed the same bond with him as I have a piece of battery-operated rubber imported from Japan.

“I know that my vibrator is always by my side whenever I need it and it’s about as attentive a listener as Tom is. Plus, it can make me orgasm without muttering things like ‘Why is it taking so long?’, which is more than can be said for him.”

Embracing his girlfriend’s epiphany Tom Logan said: “If there was a way I could outsource even more of my responsibilities to it that’d be great. As soon as they develop a vibrator that can unload the dishwasher, I’ll be a happy man.”

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Russian dashcam footage, and other weird things your boyfriend watches on YouTube

IF you’re brave enough peruse your boyfriend’s search history, you’ll wish the strangest thing he secretly watches is porn. Here are some oddities to look out for:

Bushcraft videos

Your boyfriend’s idea of relaxation involves spending hours watching a mute Canadian man building a yurt in the tundra, or making an oven out of hay. Somehow he thinks that it’s teaching him how to ‘survive in the wild’, despite the fact that you live in a flat in Walthamstow and he doesn’t even like going out into the garden.

Russian dashcam footage

Remember in the early days of your relationship where you might go out for dinner, or to the cinema? Well, that’s all gone. Now, your boyfriend’s dream evening is watching bizarre YouTube compilations of Russian motorists getting smashed to pieces on level-crossings or driving into hedges.

DIY

Despite having no interest in DIY, your boyfriend can’t get enough of watching bearded American men building shelves in their garages. If he’d used YouTube to find out how to fix the broken wardrobe door rather than to watch rugged lumberjacks turning lathes, your relationship might not be hanging by a thread.

Hydraulic press

An inexplicably popular corner of YouTube that your boyfriend frequents is footage of various incongruous items being crushed in a large hydraulic press. Before it’s too late consider whether this man, who spends his leisure time watching bowling balls being slowly flattened, is who you want to spend your life with.

Competitive eating

In their downtime, some people enjoy cycling, others enjoy reading, some baking. Unfortunately, your boyfriend seems to enjoy watching videos of American competitive eaters titled things like ‘Chad DESTROYS This Louisiana Burger Challenge’, where a man who won’t make 60 eats 14,000 calories in seven minutes.

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