THERE are mature, sensible ways to break up with someone that allow you to both to retain your dignity. But you just know you’ll go with one of these instead.
In person, in public
This method is at least semi-respectable: you’ve been brave enough to heartlessly mug off your partner to their face. However, bear in mind that what you’ve essentially done is pick a location with witnesses, so your tearful partner can feel like a jealous nutter who might murder anyone who dumps them.
Over the phone
While suitable for ending a long-distance relationship you don’t want to spend the train ticket money on, this method is less appropriate when you live in the same town, or house. Add extra shame points if you employ the cliched yet heart attack-inducing ‘we need to talk’ text to get the ball rolling.
This demonstrates some low-level consideration by allowing you to project sadness or concern, but it’s still the 21st century equivalent of a dumping by answer phone and thus the act of a coward. Definitely cry a bit into the microphone, but not if you’re in the pub with your mates, or the note may include a confusing ‘WHO’S UP FOR TEQUILA SLAMMERS?’ in the background.
Universally seen as bad form, this is guaranteed to make your ex-partner’s friends think you are a twat who can’t communicate like an adult. Your little paragraphs of text sadly do not have the gravitas of the memoirs of a 19th century man of letters. You can’t even spell ‘relationship’.
Snapchat break-ups are best reserved for the 13-year-olds the app is aimed at. If you’re any older and there is a tiny cartoon effigy of your face lurking in the corner for 25 minutes while you type out your reasons it’s over, have a good hard look at your life. However a massive plus is that the messages disappear, so you won’t have to see your own toe-curling drivel again.
Getting someone else to do it
The feeblest cop out there is. However, the level of shame does depend on the person you delegate this task to. A good friend is probably the best option, in the same way that the head is probably the best place to be shot. On the other end of the spectrum, if you get your mum to break up with them for you, you may as well crawl back inside her womb.