Ways to break up with someone, ranked by how ashamed you should be of yourself

19th October 2023

THERE are mature, sensible ways to break up with someone that allow you to both to retain your dignity. But you just know you’ll go with one of these instead.

In person, in public

This method is at least semi-respectable: you’ve been brave enough to heartlessly mug off your partner to their face. However, bear in mind that what you’ve essentially done is pick a location with witnesses, so your tearful partner can feel like a jealous nutter who might murder anyone who dumps them.

Over the phone

While suitable for ending a long-distance relationship you don’t want to spend the train ticket money on, this method is less appropriate when you live in the same town, or house. Add extra shame points if you employ the cliched yet heart attack-inducing ‘we need to talk’ text to get the ball rolling.

Voice note

This demonstrates some low-level consideration by allowing you to project sadness or concern, but it’s still the 21st century equivalent of a dumping by answer phone and thus the act of a coward. Definitely cry a bit into the microphone, but not if you’re in the pub with your mates, or the note may include a confusing ‘WHO’S UP FOR TEQUILA SLAMMERS?’ in the background.

Text message

Universally seen as bad form, this is guaranteed to make your ex-partner’s friends think you are a twat who can’t communicate like an adult. Your little paragraphs of text sadly do not have the gravitas of the memoirs of a 19th century man of letters. You can’t even spell ‘relationship’.

Snapchat

Snapchat break-ups are best reserved for the 13-year-olds the app is aimed at. If you’re any older and there is a tiny cartoon effigy of your face lurking in the corner for 25 minutes while you type out your reasons it’s over, have a good hard look at your life. However a massive plus is that the messages disappear, so you won’t have to see your own toe-curling drivel again.

Getting someone else to do it

The feeblest cop out there is. However, the level of shame does depend on the person you delegate this task to. A good friend is probably the best option, in the same way that the head is probably the best place to be shot. On the other end of the spectrum, if you get your mum to break up with them for you, you may as well crawl back inside her womb.

Pro gamer, and other careers idiot teenagers think are viable

19th October 2023

PRO gamer is one of several activities deluded teenagers – especially males – think is a bona fide career. Here are some more of their wildly optimistic dream jobs.

Graffiti artist

Some graffiti artists get paid for it, in the same way that some people live to 122 years old. Those that do are dependent on the largesse of local council youth projects and, at the top end of the market, the whims of art collectors. Banksy makes millions, true, but he’s got a good gimmick. Most graffiti art is probably valued in minus figures once you factor in council cleaners blasting it off the side of the local leisure centre.

Pro gamer

Like a real sport, this requires dedication and hard work, playing and replaying the same game for hours every day until League of Legends holds all the appeal of six hours of A-level maths revision. And since you want to earn a living playing computer games, a love of hard work is not something you’re likely to have in spades.

Human beatbox

Human beatboxes were originally a free ghetto alternative to drum machines in the 70s. The rise of super-cheap consumer electronics has made beatboxing obsolete, apart from the odd niche opportunity for a youth huffing and puffing away at a mic. You’d stand as much chance of earning a living by becoming a lamp lighter, telephone exchange operator or longbowman.

Unboxer

Unboxing is the basest form of storytelling, discarding the usual trappings of narrative in favour of a single plot point: what’s in the box? (Answer: A Pokemon-themed phone charger or similar crap.) Also there’s the issue of competition – anyone can take things out of a box, unless you’ve got no arms, in which case, bad luck. Plus the internet is an infinite sea of trivial ephemera, so while vapid shit like unboxing may be popular now, in a couple of months it could be people trading ‘rare’ soft drinks cans. Live by the sword, die by the sword, as they say. Or get a proper f**king job.

A career with insanely high rewards that requires a skill level lower than being in a shit band is again going to involve much competition. It also requires constant expenditure on records and you only get a small fee for gigs, so you’ll need an actual job. When you finally give up, you won’t even have happy memories of DJing, just lugging your gear to trendy bars after a day at work and standing in the corner while pissed people try to snog each other. That and a lingering sense of embarrassment that you thought you’d be the next Andy Weatherall.

Games tester

Can you spot the obvious flaw in getting paid for a job other people are willing to do for free? Despite this there are legit jobs as games testers, with an average salary in the UK believed to be about £25k. However it does require in-depth knowledge of games development and being able to write reports for programmers. Running around a Call of Duty map telling people you’ve buttf**ked their mum is only a small part of it.

Rapper

With its bitches, cars and respec’, being a successful rapper is a painfully obvious adolescent male fantasy. Also, admitting you’re heading for a life of obscurity and possibly a job in the local frozen chicken warehouse requires a level of brutal self-honesty few of us possess, so imagining you’re the next Jay-Z isn’t a career, it’s more a form of counselling.