Puzzled by-election voters can't find 'make Nadine Dorries a peer' option

VOTERS in the mid-Bedfordshire by-election cannot find the box to tick which means Nadine Dorries becomes a Lady, which surely is what this was all about.

Constituents of the novelist, columnist and MP have headed to the polls to give her the seat in the upper chamber she so richly deserves, only to find it not on the ballot.

Local resident Charlotte Phelps said: “Pick a new MP? Yes, but first things first.

“Our priority, as the people of mid-Beds, is the ennoblement of one Nadine Dorries, Boris Johnson’s doughtiest defender, to a permanent and well-remunerated position in the Lords.

“Everyone round here loves her. Her opportunistic Channel 4-bashing and slurred late-night TV interviews did so much for the local area.

“She’s a legend to us – none of us has ever seen her in person – and, like Nadine, I’m not prepared to see political representation for this seat until the King does the right thing.”

She added: “Who will I vote for then? Labour. This lot have f**ked it right up.”

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Sunak equally puzzled by who wrecked UK hospitals

THE prime minister is similarly puzzled by the state of UK hospitals which are mysteriously underfunded and understaffed.

Rishi Sunak has expressed his sympathy for the people of Gaza because he knows only too well how it feels for a nation’s hospitals to be purposefully destroyed by completely unknown forces.

During his visit to Israel, he said: “It’s a similar picture back home, only with over-stretched doctors and a lack of resources. Who’s to blame? Nobody knows, it’s a real head-scratcher.

“Could it be a government that’s been in power for 13 years and pushed the NHS to the brink of collapse with austerity measures? All with a view to selling it off and rolling out a private healthcare model? Unlikely.

“No, the real culprits are the foolhardy opposition who pumped millions of pounds into it decades ago and brought waiting times down to nine weeks. They’re definitely to blame. I expect it’s the same thing with you guys.

“If only there were publicly-elected members of parliament who could appoint some sort of health secretary to fix our failing hospitals. I know, it sounds like a mad pipe dream, but it’s the best solution I can think of.

“Anyway, good luck getting to the bottom of whoever did this. There’s bound to be a lot of spin and propaganda in the air so stay alert.”