YOU’VE befriended a couple who seem slightly too nice. Here’s how to tell if they’re planning to invite you for a threesome:
Do they ask if you’re ‘still single’ every time you see them?
NO. Good. Just because you got on well with Sophie and Martin when you met them at your kid’s parent-teacher meeting, it doesn’t mean they need to know every tiny detail of your life.
YES. Uh oh. They’re hoping that you’re still so emotionally fragile from the breakdown of your marriage that you’ll consider getting nasty with a couple looking to spice up their floundering love life.
Are their conversations always laden with innuendo?
NO. Sure, they’ll occasionally deploy an innuendo for a cheap laugh now and then, but talking to them doesn’t feel like you’re in the 90s film Wild Things.
YES. Oh dear. They’re very unsubtly trying to create an association in your mind between them and sex. Don’t engage in their creepy banter, it will only encourage them.
Do they talk about being ‘open to new experiences’?
NO. You should be relieved. Your conversations revolve around normal subjects and they aren’t trying to make you feel that you need some ‘adventure’.
YES. Yikes. Act dumb and say you’ve never gone paragliding, or scuba-diving, or eaten katsu curry. There are plenty of novel experiences to be had before letting them get their grubby hands on you.
Are they incredibly tactile with you?
NO. As it should be. There’s a pandemic going on, so they are completely respectful of the physical boundaries of their friends.
YES. Sophie and Martin appear to have never heard of social distancing. One or the other of them is forever saying you look tense and giving you a lingering shoulder rub that does nothing to relax you.
Do they frequently talk about how comfy their bed is?
NO. One of them mentioned that their sleep’s improved since they got a memory foam mattress, but there’s nothing sinister here.
YES. If they ask you to come upstairs and have a feel of their new silk sheets, they’re basically laying their cards on the table. Only perverts have silk sheets.
Mostly No: Congratulations, they’re just a legitimately friendly couple with no surreptitious intentions to use you for their own twisted sex fantasies.
Mostly Yes: Sophie and Martin are trying to groom you for an evening of sweaty, awkward regret. Delete their number, and get your child to change school so you never have to see them again. Or sleep with them. It’s your call.