'We're pregnant,' announces man claiming all the credit while doing none of the work

A MAN is proudly owning the news that he and his partner are pregnant, even though he will not have to carry the baby or give birth to it.

Father-to-be Tom Booker believes having unprotected sex with wife Donna is the most impressive part of their pregnancy, and expects to be heaped with a generous amount of praise for this onerous task.

He said: “All she had to do was lie back while I did the hard work. Taking five minutes to blow my beans up her was an exhausting chore, which is why I fell asleep immediately afterwards.

“Now all Donna’s got to do is let her womb work its magic over the next nine months, which is ages. There’s a risk she’ll forget my valuable contribution during that time, so I’ll experience over-the-top sympathy pains during her morning sickness so she remembers.

“And when people ask how the baby’s coming along, I’ll cut Donna off as if I’m the one growing a foetus in my body. Making sure she’s safe and well is the more strenuous part of the whole process, after all.”

Wife Donna said: “If he carries on like this I’ll be announcing ‘we’re divorced’. It might suit him better to be a ‘deadbeat dad’.”

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Nine seemingly-innocuous mum comments, translated

ARE you going home for a lovely Christmas with your mum? Here are some comments that await you, and what they really mean.

What a treat to see you.

You don’t come home often enough and you should feel horribly guilty about it.

I saw some lovely trousers in town last week

I hate the trousers you’re wearing.

You know, Sandra’s daughter has moved back to the area.

I want you to move back here too. You are a shit, shit excuse for a daughter. 

I know it’s none of my business, but…

It is my business and you’d better damn well tell me what I’m about to ask.

David, you brought Natalie with you!

I didn’t want to see f**king Natalie. I’ve never liked Natalie. Well, that’s not true, I don’t mind Natalie, she’s better than the previous sluts and commoners, but I want to have you all to myself. You’re mine, my son, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE!

I just want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy, but also I want you to live your life precisely as I envisaged. Preferably by becoming a high-flying lawyer I can show off about and be straight and find a lovely spouse and have a wedding I would have free rein in planning, etc. etc.

Don’t take this the wrong way…

Don’t take this the wrong way… Note: That’s right, your mother is actually being sincere: she genuinely doesn’t want you to take whatever she’s about to say the wrong way. Of course you will, or she wouldn’t add this get-out clause. What she’s about to say is something like this:

Do you not want children, then? 

Why haven’t you given me any grandchildren yet? It’s not as if when you do have children I’ll make passive-aggressive comments about having to look after them too much, yet somehow also not seeing them enough. I definitely won’t spend hours bitching about your lousy parenting to my pensioner buddies, either. But, just to recap: you are failing me.

You’re still vegetarian, are you?

You’re an attention-seeking middle-child pain in the arse, are you? By the way, I’ve cooked lamb. You can practically hear it bleating.