When you're being dumped: the five worst times to run into your ex

HAVING a bad day? It’ll get even worse if you run into your ex. For maximum damage, cross paths with them on these occasions:

When they’re on a hot date

When it comes to ex partners, ignorance is bliss. You’re free to imagine they’re pining after you, maybe even plucking up the courage to ask for you back. This illusion will be shattered when you bump into them holding hands with a perfect ten and laughing their head off. Stay at home forever to avoid this tragedy.

When you’re getting dumped

Even if the person chucking you is saying and doing all the right things, getting dumped is always going to hurt. Running into your ex during this heartbreaking ordeal would rub salt into the wound, not least because they’d probably say something inappropriate like ‘Trouble in paradise?’ then give the person dumping you pointers.

In a pharmacy

If you’ve popped into a pharmacy to pick up something embarrassing like hemorrhoid ointment, the last thing you’ll want to see is your ex leaving with a bumper pack of condoms and a big grin on their face. Skulk in the shampoo aisle until they’ve gone and you can run home in tears.

On a blind date

You’ve scrubbed up, prepared your least creepy chat up lines, and now you’re at the bar nervously waiting for your blind date to walk through the doors. It would be unfortunate if your ex was having dinner in the same place and spent the evening watching and laughing as you struggled through an increasingly awkward evening with someone patently wrong for you.

Any waking hour

Even if you’ve just won the lottery and hooked up with an underwear model, there’s never a good time to run into your ex. You’ll be reminded of all those good times you had together, like when you went a whole morning without arguing. Try emigrating to a different hemisphere to dodge them for good.

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Smoke breaks, and four other ways to piss away time during your working day

LOOKING to waste as much time as possible during your 9-5? Try these tips:

Water trips

Forcing yourself to drink a gallon of water a day is a great way to skive. What with your bladder working overtime, you’ll barely be at your desk. Plus, having to constantly pop to the kitchen, there’s the chance Janet from accounts will chat to you about her kids for 20 minutes, which is – just about – preferable to actually working.

Smoke breaks

Developing a nicotine dependency is a surefire way of taking hours out of your working week. Thanks to tobacco somehow being one of the few substance addictions acceptable in a professional setting, you’ll be the one laughing as you stand shivering in the rain huffing on a Marlboro or vape while your emails go unanswered.

Pop to the shops

While regularly leaving the office runs the risk of drawing attention to your work-dodging, your colleague’s silence can be easily bought. Bringing back a multipack of Kit-Kats will have you hailed as a hero, and HR will be none the wiser to the fact that it somehow took you 40 minutes to go to the Spar next door.

Fake mysterious bowel problems

If you’re comfortable with speculation about possible bowel issues, there’s no limit to the amount of time-wasting you can get away with. Thankfully, most people will be too awkward to ask about your dozens of toilet trips a day, so be sure to pat your belly and roll your eyes apologetically every time you walk past their desk.

Become a social media executive

If you workplace is yet to harness the power of the socials, position yourself as an expert and persuade your bosses to give you a new role. You can spend the rest of your work life merrily pissing around on Instagram and Facebook and bamboozle your employers with phrases like ‘media sales funnel’ if they ask what you’re doing.