Where you last saw your passport, and other things to randomly worry about mid-shag

PASSIONATE lovemaking often leaves time for your mind to wander and to worry about these random and unrelated concerns: 

‘Where did I last see my passport?’

You have no pressing need to travel, but something about the act of slipping one precious item inside another has reminded you that you used to keep your passport in your bedside drawer but it’s not there and you’re not sure where it is. Your intense expression is you trying to remember if it was in that pile of papers you chucked out.

‘Did my brother-in-law think I agreed with him?’

While switching positions, it strikes you that your brother-in-law might have thought you’d ‘switched positions’ to his side while he was sharing his usual bigoted crap about banning all immigration. You thought your frown made it clear, but what if he mistook your exaggerated eye roll for a nod?

‘Should I get my heart checked out?’

God, sex didn’t used to wear you out this much. And your grandfather did, famously, have a heart condition. You couldn’t break your wife’s heart like he broke Grandma’s, so you should call 111 as soon as you’ve showered off. Christ, it’s got more BPM than a happy hardcore track.

‘Is my car due its MOT?’

Mid-thrust it occurs to you that bodies should get MOTs the same way that cars do, which reminds you that your car might be due an MOT, and if you haven’t got one your insurance is invalid. Where do you keep the documents? In the glovebox? Actually, thinking about it, is your passport in there?

‘What year was the Challenger disaster?’

Well, you were so distracted that you couldn’t climax. Your mechanical failure puts in mind other great disasters – so much so that you don’t feel too guilty when your partner huffs off downstairs because you ‘weren’t into it’. At least neither of you are on fire in the atmosphere. When was that? 1987?

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I just have so much love to give the world, says Murdoch

RUPERT Murdoch is to marry for the fifth time, aged 92, because he still has so much love to reward the world with. 

The 92-year-old billionaire and media mogul is engaged again, a year after his fourth divorce, because he is brimming over with love and happiness which it would be wrong not to share.

He said: “When people think Murdoch, they think love. They think kindness. They think of opening your heart to everyone, no matter what their colour, creed or past misdeeds.

“And so when I unaccountably found myself single when I still had so much to offer, I admit I was afraid. That I could become twisted, vicious, vengeful, a monstrous creature who leveraged division and difference to needlessly hurt others.

“But, as it always does for Rupe, love triumphed. The endless wellspring of compassion within me is once again overflowing, and I shall not selfishly hoard my benevolence but will share it with the world through my newspapers and television stations.

“I am to be married, and the whole world rejoices with me. As it did in the Sun during the Thatcher years, as it does for the US and Fox News, love shall reign o’er all.”

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “Gosh. Goes to show that good things really do happen to good people.”