Why are you out for a candlelit meal with your girlfriend? Take our quiz

YOU’RE wearing a suit and sitting opposite your girlfriend at a romantic dinner. But why? Desperately try to figure it out with this quiz.

Is it a birthday celebration?

A) Yes. It’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I’m surprising her with a romantic meal in a restaurant that her friends said she’d pre-approved.

B) It’s not my birthday because my mum hasn’t cried down the phone about how grown up I am. And it’s not my girlfriend’s birthday because I asked her right around the same time she went all quiet. Pass.

Are you celebrating something important?

A) My girlfriend has passed her driving test. She wanted to drive somewhere, so we’re going to this restaurant for the first and probably last time because I’ll get shitfaced and bawdy then fall asleep on the way home.

B) No idea. But I did do 100 sit-ups in under three minutes this morning. Maybe she saw my posts on Instagram and thought she’d treat me. Better not have a pudding though, don’t want to undo all that hard work.

Is it an anniversary?

A) We’re celebrating four months since our first kiss, which happened after a meal in this very restaurant, apparently.

B) Don’t know. I don’t keep track of soppy milestones. It’s definitely not a celebration of our first shag in my new Picanto though, that was two months and five days ago.

Is it Valentine’s Day?

A) There aren’t tacky paper hearts sprinkled across the table, and I haven’t got the creeping dread that I’ve forgotten to buy a card. So hopefully not.

B) Difficult to tell. Mainly because I never remember the date and get in shit on an annual basis. I’ll swing by the garage on the way home and get some flowers to cover my arse.

Are you breaking up?

A) We’re as solid as a rock. Or equally scared of being single. Same difference, right?

B) I don’t think so. Nobody has the balls to break up face-to-face these days, plus we’re in public. I’ll wait and see if she messages me ‘it’s over’ from the bathroom though.

Is one of you proposing?

A) Shhh, don’t blow my cover. I really need her to say yes so we can get a tax break. Oh yeah and she’s the love of my life etc.

B) I’m not planning to, and girlfriends can’t propose. Cheers, patriarchy.


Mostly As: You’re sharing a romantic meal with your girlfriend because you’re in a happy, loving relationship and you’re sickening enough to have date nights. Everyone else in the restaurant hates you both and hopes it doesn’t last.

Mostly Bs: You’re here because you girlfriend found a two-for-one voucher online and couldn’t face sharing another frozen pizza with you. Given the state of your relationship, this is your last supper as a couple.

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Five bands that refuse to reform just to spite you

ICONIC bands could make millions by reforming for one night only. Yet these five refuse to, just to piss you off.


The Swedish pop gods haven’t gigged for 40 years. Not that they need to because their back catalogue must still be supplying them with a steady fortune. Yes, they recently released some new music, but watching it performed by lame excuses for holograms isn’t the same. The closest most people will get is seeing Pierce Brosnan butcher SOS in Mamma Mia.

The Jam 

Paul Weller and the other two split in 1982. This means a triumphant reunion gig at Wembley Stadium is long overdue. They’d need to keep the roof well open throughout though. The crowd of middle-aged men wearing Fred Perry shirts chanting along to Going Underground would produce so many farts that an indoor gig would be uninhabitable for human life.

The Spice Girls

The full line-up hasn’t performed together since the London Olympics, not that anyone remembers because the Queen upstaged them by jumping out of a plane. Blame Victoria Beckham for letting down fans, she’s apparently too busy teaching her son to make moronic career moves. Admittedly her vocals were usually buried in the mix, but it’s the principle that counts.

The Smiths

A Smiths reunion would go against the spirit of the band. They never wanted you to be happy, which is why they released so many mournful dirges. Disappointing you by failing to perform again is their crowning achievement, the very essence of what they were trying to achieve musically, plus no amount of money could force Morrissey and Johnny Marr to step on stage together again.


It’s never going to happen. As much as the Gallagher brothers hate each other – which they do, very much – they hate their adoring public more. The return of Blur this summer only makes their absence more conspicuous and infuriating, much to their delight. At this rate people will have to feign excitement about The Verve reuniting instead.