Why men and women can never be just friends, by a man who last had sex in 1997

By confirmed bachelor Norman Steele

TAKE it from me, a man who hasn’t got laid this millennium, it’s scientifically impossible for men and women to have platonic friendships and not have sex.

Younger generations with their progressive values might try to argue otherwise, but in my view if men and women exchange so much as courteous pleasantries then they’ve booked themselves a one-way ticket to Shagtown.

Take my last girlfriend. She mentioned this fella she knew at work. I knew what was up and angrily accused her of knocking boots with him. She denied it. I kicked her out of the house. Next thing you know, she’s living with him. Point proved.

Or there was this woman I met at the leisure centre. Bit of chit-chat, the weather, that kind of thing, I could see where this was going, wasn’t getting stuck in the friend zone, invited her to mine for sex. She said no, we haven’t spoken since. What would be the point?

And I barely knew the last woman I made the beast with two backs with. All I did was say hello to her on a street corner as I furtively pressed some tenners into her hand and we were away. Because male-female friendship is a myth.

I haven’t had any female friends for years. Women know to keep a distance from my raw animal magnetism. They know if they come to close to the Steel Machine, they’re getting hit on.

So take it from me, there’s no such thing as inter-gender friendship. If a man so much as talks to a woman, they’re doing it. Backstreet Boys were number one last time I did it. I really miss it.

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Trains to introduce 'anti-mask wanker only' carriages

RAIL operators are to protect passengers with brain cells by introducing carriages exclusively for twats who refuse to wear face masks.

The carriages will be clearly labelled with a picture of a mask being cut in half by scissors and aim to provide a safe space for morons to be stupid.

A National Rail spokesman said: “Public transport can be stressful for halfwits who don’t follow health guidelines, what with people shouting at them or secretly snapping them on their phones so they can bitch about them on social media.

“By giving them their own carriages, anti-mask wankers will be free to misinterpret science, exchange conspiracy theories, and splutter coronavirus all over each other to their heart’s content.

“To make them feel at home we’ll also pipe in Talk Radio and refer to face masks as muzzles. Anyone wearing a face mask in these carriages will be asked to move to a more considerate part of the train.

“Idiots who wear their masks pulled down around their chins are also strongly advised to use the anti-mask wanker only carriages as well. F**k ‘em.”