Woman furious as back-up husband marries

A WOMAN is outraged after a man she had reserved as her back-up husband had the audacity to marry someone else. 

Nikki Hollis had Stephen Malley “firmly in mind” if she failed to meet someone better, but he has now ruined everything by callously trying to find happiness in his own life. 

Hollis said: “Steve and I dated at school before I dumped him for someone hotter and broke his heart. Now I hear he’s getting married to someone called ‘Clare’. He’s such a selfish prick. 

“Doesn’t he know how much time and effort I’ve put in over the years, stringing him along but never giving him sufficient encouragement to annoyingly ask me on a date? I’d turn him down, obviously.

“I had to time those confusing signals perfectly. He’s meant to spend his life waiting around and never having any relationships, like a eunuch with genitals.

“Now I have to put some actual energy into finding a husband. At least Steve will spend the rest of his life pining for me and wondering what our relationship would have been like.

“I can always split him and Clare up if I have to. It could be worse. My friend Lucy’s back-up husband has just come out as gay. What a creep.”

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Filming a mid-song TikTok, and other ways Gen Z are f**king up gigs

FROM camping outside for eight hours, to blocking your view in increasingly inventive ways, here’s how youngsters are ruining concerts.

Camping out

Whatever happened to the time-honoured tradition of barging your way to the front? Now queues of teenagers camp outside even small venues to secure a spot by the barrier. By the time the gig starts, every song is interrupted four times because another 17-year-old just fainted from dehydration and only eating Maoams for the past 10 hours.

Filming songs

You go to a gig to see your favourite artist in the flesh. Unfortunately you’ll be forced to watch said artist through hundreds of phone screens thrust in the air so the Gen Zers in front of you can get four likes and a heart emoji on their shaky TikTok video. Concerts now look like the TV section at Currys.

Holding up a big sign

If your view isn’t blocked by a TikTok livestream, it probably will be blocked by an A2 cardboard sign reading ‘Taylor pleeease play Blank Space’. Of course she’s going to play Blank Space. But now when she does, the ten rows behind you can only see the blank space on the back of your monstrous bubble-written sign.

Giving the artist their phone

Harry Styles is there to sing songs in a sparkly jumpsuit. He’s not there to take on-stage selfies and chat to your parents over FaceTime. You came to hear Sign of the Times, but you have to wait because Lola in the front row wanted Harry to call her grandma and ask what she had for tea.

Throwing stuff

Cardi B recently threw her microphone at a fan who chucked a drink at her. Good on her. When did gigs become about dousing singers in IPA? A fan recently emptied their mother’s ashes on stage at a P!nk concert; Harry Styles has been pelted with chicken nuggets. Get a grip. If you want to throw things, be socially responsible and get Mumford & Sons with a bottle of piss.