Woman furious that fat friend is engaged

A WOMAN who should be wishing an overweight friend who is engaged every happiness is instead raging at her presumptuousness. 

Slender Charlotte Phelps, who can eat whatever she likes and not put on weight, is very fond of pal Lauren Hewitt but thought she knew her place.

Phelps said: “I absolutely do not mean anything offensive by this, but what does she think she’s doing waddling down the aisle when I’m bloody single?

“Don’t get me wrong, Lauren’s a lovely girl. Nice face. Big personality. Enormous arse. But does she not realise the point of a big-boned friend is to make me look good in comparison?

“I can only assume her fiancé is one of those feeder-and-eater perverts from Channel 5. He must’ve proposed by proffering the ring to her on a Pringle. What will the theme of the wedding be – cream cakes? And good luck carrying her over the threshold.

“Still I’m very happy for her and not at all jealous, because how could I be? When she’s fat?”

Hewitt said: “I’ll have to invite Charlotte but good luck whoever’s stuck on a table with the vile bitch.”

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Writers, the sexiest and most incredible people in Hollywood, end strike

PEOPLE who write stuff, who are just about the coolest and most deserving demographic out there according to other people who write stuff, have ended their strike. 

The Writers’ Guild of America, who are all-round brilliant and gorgeous humans the righteousness of whose cause has never been doubted by the media, have reached an agreement with characteristic charm and elan.

Adonis-like scriptwriter Tom Booker said: “Sorry it took so long. I was so busy being applauded for standing up to shortsighted movie execs less visionary than me.

“Thanks everyone who backed our strike, including every single journalist out there who considers themselves to be basically like us except we get paid $400,000 a film.

“But don’t worry, while picketing and being on the right side of history, according to the writers of history, I was also busily working on sparkling dialogue in my head. You know, the best bit?”

Journalist and paragon of excellence Helen Archer said: “They’re writing and I’m writing about it and aren’t we all just heroes? What even was the movie studios’ position? Just Fast & Furious villain, right?

“Maybe they’ll turn my article into a movie. When those lazy acting twats get off their overpaid arses and get back to work.”