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Woman getting silent treatment from boyfriend taking it as a win

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is sulking and refusing to speak to her is actually treating it as a lovely break from his wittering.

Following a row, Tom Booker has barely spoken to Nikki Hollis for two days, failing to anticipate that for her it would turn out to be one of the happiest times in their relationship.

Hollis said: “Tom’s in a strop about something and thinks he’s punishing me with his silence. I’d argue the punishment is not that effective, because I’m bloody loving it.

“No pathetic hint-dropping that he wants sex, no tedious work anecdotes I couldn’t give a f**k about, and best of all I have full control of the TV remote. I turned the football over to watch Corrie last night and because he’s so determined not to speak there was nothing he could do about it.

“It got me thinking, if life is so much better without his perpetual blathering, how great would it be if I didn’t have to look at him either? So I’m thinking of dumping him before the weekend then going out on the pull with the girls.”

Booker said: “To be honest, I’ve forgotten what I was in a mood about, but I’m not breaking my vow of silence. That would just be an admission I was in the wrong. About something.

“Nikki’s putting a brave face on it and smiling all the time, but I can tell she’s incredibly upset underneath. I’ll start speaking to her again on Friday so I’ll get a shag at the weekend as usual.”

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How to pretend you're getting something out of museums and galleries when you're not

THE Bayeux Tapestry is open to the public, but in truth you’re usually bored shitless at worthy exhibitions like this. Here’s how to pretend to be interested convincingly.

Stare for an acceptable period

Stare at exhibits long after you’ve got the gist and have started feeling bored. This proves you appreciate culture and are not some working-class oik who only enjoys chips and copulating. Never mind that you really can’t see what’s so amazing about a picture of a horse.

Think about sex

Gazing at a painting is less tedious if you’re weighing up which, if any, of the subjects you’d do. It’s easy for blokes at a John William Waterhouse exhibition as he was into hot redheads and Lady Godiva is naked, but a lot harder with the Bayeux Tapestry, which only has six women and they’re really unrealistic. Who knew 1066 was so sexist?

Maintain the right facial expression

Look interested and alert at all times with no yawning, sighing or glazed eyes. It’s hard but not impossible; if you’re in a relationship and can not look suicidally bored by Love Island or Operation Barbarossa for an hour, you can manage it with Degas painting bloody ballerinas again.

Cast your mind back to the cafe

Museum and gallery cafes tend to be upmarket these days, so think about things you could eat there later – the toasted paninis looked nice, maybe followed by a slice of chocolate cheesecake? You’ll be so lost in your own world of food people will assume you’re captivated by a completely pointless painting of a Dutch woman sitting in her living room.

Read the placard enthusiastically 

Show how engaged you are by eagerly reading out the explanatory placards saying things like ‘The vase depicts Heracles in the Garden of the Hesperides in the style of the Hellenistic period’. Then nod sagely and look thoughtful, instead of more truthfully saying: ‘I have no f**king idea what that means.’

Buy loads of postcards 

Nothing shows your deep appreciation of art and history like buying a load of postcards and Blu-Tacking them up in your kitchen. If you’ve been to the Bayeux Tapestry they’ll be of Normans and Anglo-Saxons with weirdly elongated bodies who are too big for their horses, so they might even make the rubbish your kids draw look good for once.

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