Woman hopes she and ex can still be friends who f**k after a few drinks

A WOMAN splitting up with her boyfriend hopes they can still stay in contact and hook up when drunk and lonely.

Tearful heartbreaker Lucy Parry is trying to take the edge off dumping her boyfriend of two years Jack Browne by suggesting they could still be friends who enjoy regret-laden sex whenever they have had a few pints.

She said: “Just because this is the end of our relationship it doesn’t mean we can’t carry on being booty calls. It would be a shame to throw away our sexual connection over something as trivial as not loving each other any more.

“After all, our rampant libidos and misguided alcohol-fuelled decisions are what brought us together to begin with. We don’t even have to hang out before or after if you’d find that weird. It could just be the most intimate human experience and nothing more.

“I know this is the sort of thing people say all the time when they break up, but I mean it. You’re still somewhat physically attractive to me and my self-esteem is at rock bottom. Promise me you’ll at least think about it, yeah?”

Browne said: “I’m on board. But only if we can kid ourselves into thinking we should give our relationship another go then repeat this whole doomed process a few dozen times. Otherwise it wouldn’t feel right.”

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Waitrose like a lovely gentle mugging

SHOPPING at Waitrose is like getting tenderly robbed by a kindly middle-aged lady, the public has agreed.

Unlike a conventional mugging which takes place down a dark alley, Waitrose lies in wait in spacious aisles before threatening its unsuspecting victims with delicious organic produce and the John Lewis homeware range.

Waitrose shopper Emma Bradford said: “You always think it’s the sort of thing that only happens to other people. Then one day you’re just popping in for milk and before you know it you’re cleaned out.

“It’s impossible to stay safe in there. Yesterday I tried spacing my keys between my fingers like a makeshift knuckle-duster, but even then Waitrose managed to get me with a two-for-one on their expensive yoghurts with the fruit compote at the bottom.

“I tried to beat it away with my handbag but to no avail. And when I called out for help a lovely shelf stacker ended up upselling me a pricey sourdough loaf from the bakery. The whole experience left me feeling both traumatised and weirdly comforted.

“To recuperate I grabbed a tea from the Waitrose café, which rinsed me of my last few pennies. My fault I suppose for not waiting to make one until I got home.”

A spokesperson for Waitrose said: “You’re always free to chance it in Aldi or Lidl, but you don’t have the street smarts for that. And don’t think about dobbing us in to the police because we know where you live.”