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Woman insists her favourite song is 'My Humps' just to troll her date

A WOMAN on a date enjoyed watching a man make the agonising choice between getting a shag and telling her she has shit taste in music.

After music snob Josh Hudson earnestly informed her that Idles’ new album was ‘sublime’, Lucy Parry began torturing him by waxing lyrical about the Black Eyed Peas.

Parry said: “I knew the date was a dud from the second he took off his Peaky Blinders cap and ordered a schooner of Trappist beer.

“So it was just a matter of time until I found myself telling him that ‘You love my lady lumps’ is a line as insightful and elegant as anything Bob Dylan has written.

“He was clearly absolutely desperate to tell me that Fergie’s artistic vision isn’t on a par with Kate Bush, but he was worried I wouldn’t get off with him if he did.”

A visibly shaken Hudson commented: “She said the only way to get her into bed is to compliment her on all that junk inside her trunk.”

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Six more appropriate terms for the current f**k-up than 'circuit breaker'

DO you get the feeling the government is using jargon like ‘circuit breaker’ and ‘moonshot’ to hide its total lack of competence? Here are some more appropriate terms to use in the crisis.

‘Dodgy wiring’

Continuing the electrical theme, the government is pursuing a ‘dodgy wiring’ strategy, much like an electrician who’s a bigger cowboy than John Wayne. Apt because it’s dangerous and may lead to you losing your home, although not due to a fire caused by a faulty light switch. 

‘Shit the bed’

A situation that is not only very bad, but also one of extreme panic in which you are not sure what to do next. Just like the coronavirus crisis. 

‘North Korean missile programme’

The government’s Covid testing programme is not like the actual moonshot: the Apollo landing was successful and showed Russia they could stick Sputnik up their arse. Modern day North Korean missiles are a better comparison as they rarely work and may not even exist.

‘Googolplexishambles’

‘Omnishambles’ is a bit worn out now and it’s nicked from The Thick of It anyway, you unoriginal bastards. However as the largest number known to exist, googolplex reflects the very large number of ways the government has screwed up.

‘Up shit creek’

Shit creek is a bad place to be up, especially without adequate paddle resources. It would actually be refreshing to hear Matt Hancock tell a press conference: “Frankly we’re up shit creek. Looks like we’re just going to have to paddle with our hands.”  

‘Whatevs’

The sneering indifference of the government to all its failures suggests this is regularly used in cabinet meetings, eg. “Prime minister, everyone in Doncaster is on a ventilator.” “It’s four years till the next election. Whatevs.”

 

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