Woman on date excited for moment when she gets to speak

A WOMAN on a first date is eagerly awaiting the approaching moment when she will briefly be allowed to speak. 

After 95 minutes listening to Oliver O’Connor elaborate on his career, family, interests, former relationships, cars, childhood traumas and cats past and present, Grace Wood-Morris believes the moment when she will be invited to say a few words is about to arrive.

She said: “There was a brief gap, just after the waiter cleared the starters, when I thought my chance had come before he launched into a monologue about almost learning to play banjo.

“I took several running jumps at trying to interrupt, but he didn’t notice any of them. At one point, while he was summarising Succession, I feigned choking but only the table next door noticed.

“Trying to force out my piece like a taxi nudging into traffic didn’t work. He kept cutting across me so I only managed one word to his seven. It became a game to see how many times he could interrupt a single sentence. His best was 12.

“I wonder if he knows women can speak? He’s surely seen them do it in films. But then there are magic flying dogs in films.”

O’Connor said: “She was okay to talk at but I’m not sure there was a deeper connection. She kept interrupting, which was rude. What could she have to say that’s so important? Something about handbags?”

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Fathers disgusted as good time had by all at sports day

FATHERS attending their children’s annual sports day were appalled that the purpose of the event appeared to be enjoyment rather than fierce competitiveness. 

As stickers were dispensed to kids regardless of where they had placed in the sack race and the biggest cheers were reserved for the ones who finished last by a large margin, the assembled dads looked on with horror to a man.

Bill McKay said: “When I was at school, there were only two emotions allowed on sports day: crowing jubilation for the victors, and abject, humiliated despair for the losers, especially the fat ones.

“How are we supposed to compete with the Chinese in the coming trade wars if we instil these pathetic, inclusive values in our kids? You wouldn’t catch Xi Jinping telling someone they were a winner just for turning up.

“I tried to insert some competitive spirit into the mum’s and dad’s egg-and-spoon race but I got accused of cheating after one young mother ran very hard into my elbow and dropped her egg.

“However, somehow, despite my incredible athleticism and sporting prowess, I came second to last. I think some of the parents must have false started.

“The sooner VAR is rolled out across all primary school sports days, the better.”