Man wastes toilet break by forgetting his phone

A MAN has squandered his hallowed daily bowel movement on company time by leaving his phone at his desk, it has emerged.

Oliver O’Connor usually treats himself to ten paid minutes of relief and mindless scrolling shortly before his lunch break, but due to his forgetfulness he has been forced to make do with just his thoughts for entertainment.

He said: “I only realised once my pants were round my ankles and there was no going back. Why didn’t I double check my pockets as I got out of my chair? Rookie mistake.

“By rights I should be getting a dopamine hit from looking at memes while waste products leave my body. Not to mention snooping on my more attractive colleagues via Instagram before I get down to the business of wiping. It’s the best part of the day.

“Instead, here I am gazing at a cubicle door and trying to tune out the farts from whoever’s next to me. How did people cope before Apple invented a pocket-sized supercomputer? I guess they had newspapers but it’s hardly the same.

“Maybe I can distract myself by thinking of something cool and exciting like a new superhero…? No, it’s no use, my imagination died years ago. Oh well, best get back to shitting.”

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Commonwealth Games parasite searching for host

THE slavering parasite of the Commonwealth Games is looking for a new host to bleed dry, it has confirmed. 

After the Australian state of Victoria developed immunity to hosting the Games, the multi-sport tournament is searching for a new location to suck the life out of for 2026.

Parasitologist Dr Helen Archer said: “The Games use the promise of international prestige to get a grip on a city with delusions of grandeur. Then the tendrils sink in.

“Before long they’re building stadiums, commissioning elaborate opening ceremonies, and blowing money that could go on the betterment of their residents lives on a f**king velodrome.

“After a bewildering display of athletics the parasite moves on, leaving the host drained and struggling to find a use for an athletics track in the middle of an area of urban deprivation.

“But more and more cities have immune systems that kill it before it can establish a foothold, forcing into backwaters like Birmingham and Glasgow. Before the end of the decade it may be held in Leicester, after which it will be so weak it can be eradicated.”

She added: “Sadly, antibodies don’t offer any protection against the more virulent strain of the Olympics.”