Woman on dating app looking for 'something casual' despite wearing bridesmaid dress in all her photos

A WOMAN on a dating app has revealed she wants ‘something casual’ despite all her photos showing her in a bridesmaids dress or holding friends’ babies.

Emma Bradford, 28, said: “I only used those photos of me as a bridesmaid because my hair and make up had been professionally done on those days.

“Which is just a different kind of lie really.

“And what was I supposed to put? ‘Woman pushing 30 in need of sperm donor and bloke to be in her wedding photos with her’? Nah.”

Potential date, Martin Bishop, said: “I don’t mind that she’s lied a bit on her profile. I put that I’m a 6 foot 4, judge and fireman whose looking for a serious relationship.

“When actually I’m 6 foot 3, a barrister who used to be a fireman who’s really just looking for casual sex that has absolutely no long term future.”

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Man suspects girlfriend of giving purposefully shit massage

A MAN has received a massage so bad he suspects it was an attempt from his girlfriend to put him off them forever. 

Six months into his relationship Stephen Malley asked girlfriend Nikki Hollis for a back rub and received what felt like a round with Tyson Fury.

Malley said: “I had a sore back from repainting Nikki’s kitchen so asked for a massage which she delivered with all the tenderness of a traction engine.

“It started with what I can only describe as kidney punches followed by her seemingly trying to rub my ears off my head.  It’s weird because I’ve seen her rub the dogs back like it’s Ryan Goslings thigh.

“I said I thought she was trying to put me off and she was more defensive than the time I accused of hiding chocolate behind the pasta.”

Hollis said: “You can’t give a bad massage, it’s impossible. Oh no wait a minute, if you can give bad cunnilingus you probably can.”