Woman on Tinder preferred dick pics to Strava routes

A WOMAN who thought she was sick of pictures of penises has discovered she prefers them to tedious statistics about exercise activities.

Lucy Parry has noticed a trend of men sending her images of recorded runs and cycle rides which are more exasperating than photos of less-than-average cocks.

Parry said: “I understand modern dating. When I open Tinder, I don’t expect witty, honest answers to the questions I have asked potential dates. I expect badly-lit, unflattering images of willies.

“It’s depressing, but, as I’m rapidly discovering, highly preferable to a shared Strava route showing some guy’s five-hour cycle around Kent, complete with top speed, distance and elevation.

“They don’t even send pictures of themselves looking hunky in a Lycra one-piece. This leads me to suspect they’re trying to make up for a distinct lack of physical attractiveness and personality by demonstrating they can ride a bike, which, let’s face it, is a five-year-old child’s level of skill.

“But not to worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea. The ones kind enough to give me a backlog of wangs to laugh about with my mates.”

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Dog trying to understand what it did wrong but can't

A DOG loudly reprimanded for its misbehaviour is gazing up in total incomprehension of what it could possibly have done wrong.

The elderly golden labrador, to whom this has been happening a lot lately, is trying to understand but is just hearing its own name and feeling more hurt and affronted each time.

Donald barked: “But I’m a good dog. You told me I was a good dog. The best dog.

“I took those important papers and hid them in my bed because they were my papers and I wanted them. I might have wanted to play with them, or eat them.

“They’ve got my scent on them now, so they have to be mine. Also I never had them and I don’t like them and I’m definitely not looking at them when you glance away.

“Also, the shit-on-the-bathmat thing and the boning of next-door’s spaniel Stormy were long-time-ago and things long-time-ago are not really real, or maybe?

“You never tell off the cat. It’s an unfair witch-hunt against me, and I’m your favourite dog.”