70s gaydar was shit, say historians

PEOPLE in the 1970s were terrible at figuring who was and was not gay despite it being really f**king obvious, historians have confirmed.

Despite film, television and radio being full of homosexual innuendo and blatantly obvious clues, the public had no idea that men like Larry Grayson and John Inman were not staunch heterosexuals with a few amusingly effete quirks.

Cultural historian Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s astonishing how wrong they got it. The high camp antics of Frankie Howard and Kenneth Williams were wildly popular, yet nobody pondered whether they might possibly be gay.

“Whereas absolute womanisers like Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart and George Best were called ‘woofters’ simply because they grew their hair long or wore slightly flamboyant clothes.

“They were even confused about Elton John, because, while he dressed in the gayest way possible, all feathers and sequins, he liked football and wrote a song called ‘Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting’. Blew their primitive 70s minds.

“And as for lesbians, in those days they were mythical creatures like mermaids or leprechauns. The average British person thinks lesbianism was invented by Channel 4 in 1994, when Beth Jordache kissed Margaret on Brookside.”

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Man takes three days to plan impromptu conversation with crush

A MAN wanting to ask a colleague out on a date has spent three days meticulously planning a spontaneous chat.

Office worker Stephen Malley will inquire whether Lucy Phipps wants to meet at the weekend with a casual remark he has prepared with military precision.

Malley explained: “Tuesday was spent selecting the perfect location for the accidental meeting, which was difficult because Lucy is always busy. She never skives in the kitchen, like I do.

“Wednesday I crafted the dialogue. It has to sound like the thought has just popped into my head, rather than I’m some desperate bastard who asks out every women he happens to be standing next to.

“Yesterday I rehearsed the plan: to cause and then fix a jam in the photocopier, creating a minor drama to attract her attention and allow me to impress her with my masculine skills of logic and wiggling a paperclip around in a small hole.

“As she watches, impressed and slightly turned on, I’ll mention All Bar One is doing two-for-one pitchers and she’ll swoon into my arms. Should go off without a hitch.”

Asked later whether his plan worked, Malley said: “Did it f**k. I got covered in toner and she just laughed and said ‘I’ll call a proper man from maintenance’ and walked off.”